It's kind of funny... no one told me that when you begin teaching yourself self-esteem you lose your patience and tolerance for rude, wretched people. Since I've been putting myself first lately, for the first time in my life, I just haven't had any use for people who don't respect me or don't listen when I speak. I find myself questioning whether or not people are worth my time instead of tying myself in knots trying to figure out how to make them like me. I've always liked to say that I don't care what people think of me, but it wasn't really true till recently. I've spent most of my life so worried what others are thinking of my clothes, my hair, my looks... but lately I only concern myself with whether or not I like what I see in the mirror, and my judgement criteria isn't nearly as detrimental as it used to be. I don't know why I bothered to worry what others thought- I was almost always worse on myself than anyone else...

It's an amazing thing to see how people are looking at me differently than they used to. When people begin to notice the changes in me some of them don't seem to know how to react. I've been so afraid, since I started this whole self-discovery trip, that those around me, those close to me, might not like the real me.... There are some who seem to think I've become a fucking bitch lately, but they just don't realise that's who I am. Not a bitch, really. I just seem like a bitch now bcoz I've taken everything off everyone for so damn long and I refuse to keep on doing it. Apparently people don't take kindly to doormats who don't feel like being stepped on anymore. Who knew?

Personally I'm enjoying being able to stand up straight without worrying I'm too tall... and god knows holding my head high is an exhilerating feeling. It feels good to not hide in the shadows. It feels good to think I have the right to be happy. It feels good to expect other people to respect me and treat me like a person.

When I meet a guy I actually consider and pay attention to how he's acting towards me, how he treats me rather than "oh, i hope he likes me." I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be supported. And I won't waste any more of my time with men who talk down to me, belittle my feelings, overlook me. I have to stop myself from falling down over some asshole sometimes still, but I can keep myself from doing it. I never even bothered to consider what I was doing to myself or putting myself thru before.

These days I put myself first instead of making myself miserable as long as everyone else is happy. I never knew how offensive it is for someone who's tall, curvy and loud to walk around like she's somebody. People talk about me all the time and I've started to realise most of them do it out of jealousy at my being able to be myself or comtempt because I'm not thin and beautiful and I still have confidence. What was I thinking? LOL