the end of the world...

October 13th, 2004

As I leave the hotel in the morning, I buy something to eat on the way and I’m heading to the end of the world.

It is sunny and warm. I take a towel with me - just in case I’ll find a sandy beach to sit on…
The road to the end of the world passes through Finesterre and climbs up and up about 3 km away from the village.

On the way up, on the side of the road, gazing into the sea, hundreds of meters down - I find a girl I met before on the camino.
I join her, and we watch, for a while, the waves breaking onto the rocky shore.

The wind gets stronger, clouds are forming above us, and we choose to continue our climb up to the end of the world. On the way, we look for a path that goes down to the shore.
After a few futile tries to go down some goat’s paths, we find one that leads all the way to a huge rock in the water.
We sit silently on the rock for a long while, gazing into the turquoise water, waving to passing fishermen…

When the wind threaten to blow us into the sea and the rain starts, we climb up again - to the road that leads to the end of the world.

The end of the world turns out to be a huge cliff above the water. There’s no more land beyond it - only water.
On the top of the cliff there’s a big stone cross marking the place where, traditionally, the pilgrims that finish in Finesterre burn their walking shoes and clothes to symbolize getting rid of the past and opening to a new beginning…

I’ve heard about the ritual, but until this moment, I didn’t realize that the place is here.

I brought nothing with me to burn. Not even my green plastic lighter - to light a fire with.

I’ve participated in a few rituals like this in the past (once almost burning my house, when the ritual got too intense…). Each one of these rituals was very powerful, and I am sorry for not preparing myself for this one…

As an answer to my sorry thoughts, the rain gets stronger and the wind blows so strong, I need to hold to a rock, not to fall and roll down…
This, at least, relaxes me a bit. I realize that there’s no way I could light a fire now… so, probably it isn’t my time yet…

Instead, I stand on a rock, watching the endless sea below me, letting my hair go, and asking the wind and the rain to purify me.

I don’t know for how long I stand like this, but when I wake up from my trance - I am so cold, I can hardly move, and my hair is so messy I can hardly see.

We go down, back to Finesterre and the sky gives everything it has. It is pouring rain. The wind matures to a storm. I’m so happy again. I spread my arms, looking up to the sky, letting the rain and the wind do what they have to do…

When we get to the village we’re looking for an open café to have a cup of hot chocolate. But, it’s siësta time and everything is closed.

After a hot bath in my room, I fall asleep for a while.

When I wake up I think of going back tomorrow to the end of the world and burn what I need to burn…

I’m thinking - what is it that I need to get rid of, to transform, to change… so I can burn tomorrow a symbol of it…
As hard as I try, I can’t find anything worth getting rid of…
Stubbornly, I keep looking, when a phone rings inside my mind…

“WHAT?", I bark on the disturbing caller.
“What if there is nothing to change?", asks the voice on the other side.
“Who are you?", I ask angrily the voice.
“God", he answers.
“So what do you want?", I’m still pissed off.
“What if there’s noting to change?", God asks again.
“Of course there is!", I answer.
There’s silence on the other side.
“I’m working consciously on transforming myself for the last 20 years. I’m preaching about transformation for almost as many years. And believe me, even after all these years - there’s still a lot to do…", I continue.
“What if there’s nothing to change?", God asks again. This time, something in his tone of voice catches my attention.
“Then what is the purpose of my life?", I ask.
“What is the purpose of a tree?", asks God back.
“To grow", I answer, trying hard not to listen to my own words…
“And when it is already big, what is its purpose then?", asks God patiently.
“To grow", I answer again…
“And where does the tree grows to?", asks God.
“To the light!", I answer, as a soft, big sun rises up in my consciousness…

I, suddenly, feel peaceful and calm, as I never felt before.
There are no more questions in me.
There is no need for an answer.
When I remember to thank God for this conversation, there is no one on the other side.
I guess he had another call to attend to…

An old pilgrim told me a few weeks ago, “it’s not why you do the camino, but what for. And you’ll know the answer when you’ve arrived.”

Well, I had to go to the end of the world to realize that my purpose in life is not to change or transform, but to grow towards the light. Like a tree…

It’s time to become more like a tree.

A tree doesn’t try to become an animal or a rock, not even another sort of tree.
A tree is just there. With its strength, its shade, its fruits…
A tree doesn’t run after anyone to convince them to rest in its shade or eat from its fruits. Yet it is always there - for those who wish to enjoy its shade and fruits.

It’s time to become more like the tree that is patience and wise. Knowing that after the winter, comes always the spring. And after the fall, there are new leaves, then flowers, then fruits, and then the fall again…

More like the tree that is determined - digging its roots deeper and deeper into the nourishing earth. Keeps growing towards the light… keeps growing…

Only later I realize that this understanding was there all the time during the camino. Yet somehow, I missed it till now…

So many times, the question “what if there is no need to change?” popped up again and again in my mind. And I ignored it or shoved it aside.

And my daily intention “open my heart", which kept on popping up, although it didn’t fit what I thought was “appropriate"… That’s the being of a tree. It isn’t pushing anyone, nor running after anyone, convincing them to sit in its shade or eating its fruits. Yet, it is there open hearted, unconditionally giving anyone who comes its shade and fruits… Open my heart…

I see my words and books as my fruits… I still wonder what is my shade, what is this presence I have or still need to grow…
Time would tell…

I feel quiet now. At peace.
Like a tree…

…

In one of the first days of my camino, a priest in one of the churches asked me where did I start and how long am I going to walk to Santiago…
I answered that I’ve started a few days ago in St. Jean Pied de Port and I have about 40 days to complete my camino.

He said, “Jesus walked in the desert for 40 days… it’s a good number.”

“I hope it won’t take me that long.", I answered.

As I finish my dinner and walk along the small harbor, on the way back to my hotel room, I realize… today is the 13th of October - my 40th day on the camino…

No coincidence really…

Motivation2Go Blog


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I am always amazed when I read this man's journal.. sad to think it may end.. I am hoping, praying he will continue to speak even tho the journey that made the journal has ended.