It just figures that I would fall in love with a show right before everything on it goes to total shit, right? Just my fucking luck. I was totally loving The OC, despite my best efforts to find it heinous and vapid... I so wanted it to be vapid. But, alas, in one fell swoop someone vapid shows up from prep school (where they breed the vapid) and destroys everything.... And just for the record may I reiterate JOHNNY IS NOT WORTH ALL THIS... the guy is pathetic, weak, has really bad hair... he's just like this leaching little creature trying to cling to anyone... ACK!! Can we be rid of him, please... And if princess Kaitlyn would just talk to Marissa, maybe something might get better, instead of just being determined to destroy her. And why is it that with every ep Marissa seems to be getting more irritating... what's that about? I liked her when I started watching at the beginning of the season, but I dislike her and become more annoyed with her very presence with every episode... Perhaps it's the white trash in me revolting against the fact that she has everything- a mother who, while sometimes a bit on the evil side, loves her kids and tries very hard to make things work without having to hurt anyone.... She's got amazing friends who she really doesn't seem to appreciate... and She's got RYAN!! Yes, he can be a little frustrating with his inability to communicate, but he throws himself at everything he comes up against and supports her beyond everything... he's even saved her would-be boyfriend from himself, repeatedly!!!
*THWACK*
Wake up Marissa, you twit!!!
************
Beyond all that ranting.. I have finally received an e from my MIA best friend.. who I'd kind of given up on.. chalk that up to my being disposable by most accounts... But I have word at last, so I guess I still have her. Really, it's rather depressing to know that someone's friendship can mean [almost] more than that of the one you live with & pledge to spend your life with.. but it's complicated. I know positively in the back of my mind that he will leave, or force me to, because it always happens... for all my dreaming, I will get no happy ending. That, sadly, is not my story. Lousy to know for a fact that your life is destined to change, fall apart and rebuild... Thus the moniker "In Permanent Transition"... I think that I lost the one chance I had for a happy ever after. That was my mistake for not seeing it at the time.. Even more frustrating is my gift. I can see thru "doorways" between realities.
See, when you make a life-altering decision and move forward, that other life still exists, like separate paths in a labyrinth. You choose to step thru one door, but the other door remains and continues... Sometimes we are extremely lucky and, if you choose right, the life you're living may reconnect or intersect that other life you left behind and you get a second chance to make that decision. Not to say the other life is always better... but sometimes destiny tries more than once to steer us in a particular direction.
My gift is that I can see that parallel life. Usually, it's only upon looking back at something that I can see thru the "veil" of time that other life and where it leads, but very rarely I can see it spread before and choose one or the other. I am working to cultivate that ability... but I'm also not holding my breath. At this point, the best I have learned is never NEVER to question my instincts on things. If I have the feeling to do something, I must do that thing. If I flinch, it's already too late. My instincts may not always make sense, even to me, but if I know what to do then I do it without asking why? or if it's right, because if I stop to ask, or I'm too afraid my questions won't be answered, I will be punished by destiny, by fate. I will be taught a very hard lesson that shows quite plainly why I should have done what I was told.
My "gift" is frustrating because I think of Brian, or the ones before him, and I can see where our lives together will lead (or would have lead) and I can watch it similar to a movie, all smiles and love and glitter. But I know that in reality I will never have that life. See, when I look at a person, I don't see their body, their shell. Yes, I see them in the physical realm as another human being.. in that way, I see them. But when I communicate with someone, I communicate with them soul to soul. When I look at Brian (or when I looked at the ones before him) I see his spirit, his true self, and that is what I am in love with.. the painful part is that the world has already damaged that self and it's very unlikely, despite all my efforts, that I will get to enjoy a life of happiness with him and his true self.
And so I try to make things as good as possible while I have him, knowing that eventually the world will take him from me. I don't know why. I wish I did. I wish I understood why I am forced to endure a life of loneliness, never feeling secure. Never having the safety of even thinking "this time it will work".. why can't I at least have a lovely illusion to enjoy? Why do I have to struggle on knowing it won't work, it will never work? If I have to know it will go wrong, why not show me the way to the one that will work? or show me how to fix this one? What good is a gift if it doesn't help?
I'm so tired of being alone... Even when I'm with someone I am still alone.
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