Why do we so easily adopt all the ideas, rules and conformities that society lays out for us? Why can't we be allowed to decide our own path? Why must we be inbred with all these expectations: get married, make babies, go to church.....

I'm trying to update my livejournal but the stupid 'puta is being a real bitch.

Playful Orlando


What Orlando Bloom are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Will you dance with me?
Will you take my hand?
Will you follow me
On my flights of fancy?
Do you dare to tread
Where my mind wanders?
Can you let go?
Can you drown in the
Abandon?
Are you afraid to be free?
Alone in the dark?

Tabitha )O(
3/25/2003

I hold your hand
As the first morning beams
Are tipping the
Edges of my white
Curtains
I lay my hands
On your chest
On your face
Your stomach
Tangle my fingers in your hair
I caress you with
My eyes
My heart
My embrace
Surrounding every inch
Of your skin
I attempt to free myself
From your grip
Find you stretched
And twisted
Wound thru the tendrils
Of my mind
And I am comforted

Tabitha )O(
3/21/2003

BOUND

I will not drown
I will not die
Tho you break my heart
Still I survive

Just this one time
This one moment
This one embrace

I am stronger than the pain

I’ve played this game before
I’ve told myself these lies
I’ve fought this fight
So many times
I’ve silences these thoughts
Again and again
I’ve been here before
Don’t wanna do this anymore

Tired of taking chances
Tired of these dances
And midnight romances

I caress your face
Run my fingers thru your hair
But I’m lost in my own madness
You were never really there

I can’t reach you
Can’t touch you
These affections are empty

This man I love
Does not exist
You are not mine to have
Not mine to love

Bound to another
You slip away
You fall away
Leave me standing
Lost in my pain
Tears across my face
My vision getting hazy

Here is my heart
Crushed in your hand
Dust in your palm

Tabitha )O(



MY HEART MY DREAMS

My nerves are raw
My pain is real
I try to open my heart
But it refuses to feel
It’s broken
And beaten
Shattered
In pieces
Torn at the seams
Left just like my dreams
Abandoned
Belittled
And stepped on

Tabitha )O(


How do I stop this?
How do I end it?
I’ve left my soul open
Now how do I mend it?
Self-abuse seems to be my style
I choose men…
Women….
Lovers…
Who hurt me
Who don’t want me
Who discard me
Abuse me
And move on

I make love
Where none exists
I blur the lines
And blind my vision
Till it’s much too late

I love too easy
I give too much
I pray for a lover
I burn for your touch
Longing to be wanted
Begging for salvation
From this vast loneliness
Emptiness
I am consumes

I see you in my sleep
Feel you beside me in the dark
My mind wastes away
Lost in my fantasies
Plagued by reality
Conflict
And rage
My emotions are churning
My fires are burning

Tabitha )O(
3/11/2003

You walk
And you wait
And you listen
You believe
And they lie
They lie
Always they lie

Tell your stories
To the wind
To your journals
To the moon
Sing
And dance
And laugh
Cry
Cry your tears
Pouring out
Your pain
Upon the paper

Do you imagine
Someone new
That you are
Someone else
Someone important
Special
Beautifull
Dark
Mysterious

Do you love?
Do you
Believe
In love
After all this
All this pain
All the sadness
Nightmares
The abandoning

Do you
leave
your heart open
willing
to risk
that pain
you know so well
for another chance
another love

some sweet
sappy
strong
deep
emotion

Tabitha )O(
2/20/2003

POSTSCRIPT
And some time make the time to drive out west
Into County Clare, along the Flaggy Shore,
In September or October, when the wind
And the light are working off each other
So that the ocean on one side is wild
With foam and glitter, and inland among stones
The surface of slate-grey lake is lit
By the earthed lightning of a flock of swans,
Their feather roughed and ruffling, whit on white,
Their fully grown headstrong-looking heads
Tucked or cresting or busy underwater.
Useless to think you’ll park and capture it
More thoroughly. You are neither here nor there,
A hurry through which known and strange things pass
As big soft buffetings come at the car sideways
And catch the heart off guard and blow it open.
-Seamus Heaney

Why do I care?
What does it matter?
You are you
I am I
In the scheme
Of things
In the
Span
Of your lifetime
You
Won’t
Remember me
You only love me
When I make
You
Laugh
I’m only worth it
When
I’m funny
Silly
Amusing
Who was hurt
Who missed who
Who stopped
Talking
Whise hear
Was stepped on
Left in the cold
Abandoned
Retreated
Into myself
Hoping
Praying
Begging
For sanctuary
Comfort
Finding none
Outside
Inside
Do you really
Know me?
Or do you
Know
Who you think
I am
Do you see me
With your eyes?
With your soul?
Do we match?
Do we fit?
I am only a
Child to you
Temperamental
Tolerated
Toyed with
You are so
Much
More important
Your life
Your problems
Your issues
So much more
Meaningful
Than mine
Why?
Because you’re
Older
Smarter
More responsible
Because you have not
Made my mistakes
You remain
In your comfort
Zone
Always stuck
Picking up
The pieces
From my most
Recent fuck up
I am there
For you
I offer you
My hand
My shoulder
My soul
Offer myself up
To you
My love
My friendship
But you
You grow colder
More distant
Your grudges grow
Your bitterness
Festers
You grow old
Before your time
You treat me
As if
I simply
Bore you
You don’t even
Care
If you
Hurt me
If I bleed
If I cry
My loneliness
My depression
Run amuck
Destroying
Messing
Confounding
Why?
Why? I ask again

Tabitha )O( 1/18/2003

I think of you
As my day begins.
You’re the last thought
On my mind
As the evening ends.
Lay my head down to sleep
End up dreaming
Of you
I will
Wait for you,
If you want
Me to.
But a girl
Needs to know-
That I’m not
Wasting my time,
Towing the line,
Only to
Wind up
Alonr in the end.
Do I amuse you?
Do I make you laugh?
Relieve the pressure
Of your
Long days and nights?
Will you still
Want me
When you really
Know me-
Weird,
Eccentric,
Emotional,
Insecure.
I drown in my
Loneliness-
My
Thought process.
My heart
Beats faster
At the thought
Of your name.
I cannot keep
This smile
From my face,
Or this blush
From my cheeks.
I talk about you
So much
My friends
Hate you already…
But you…
Do you think
Of me?
Do you wonder if
I’m thinking
Of you?
Do I make you
Smile?
Do you miss
Me
When
I’m not there?
Do you miss
Our
Stolen moments
Alone
In my car
Fighting over the radio?

I compose my poetry.
I speak my mind,
but only to myself.
I write you letters
I can never send.
I dream of you...
lying next to me...
I wake up
I roll over
to see your face-
watch you sleeping.
I am lost
for days
in those eyes
(The colour of chocolate
swirling
in my head).
I recall your face-
your grin
(your evil grin)-
to caress your cheeks,
the way
I cannot
in rality.
I think of you-
every minute,
every day...
In every song
on the radio....
In every movie
every romance...
every love affair.
But I cannot
feel like this.
I move too fast-
feel too much.
my emotions,
bursting forth...
my hopeless,
helpless
heart
goes
leaping,
bounding,
bouncing
forth
into the unknown-
unfettered,
unafraid,
while my head
(logical,
angry,
embittered,
and holding
its lonely little grudge)
screams
and wails:
"wait!
you fool!
stop!
you idiot!
Don't you know
what
will happen?
You will cry.
You will yearn.
You will break
again...
again...
again..."
"Ah, but love
is bliss!"
I call over
my shoulder,
as I race on ahead.

Tabitha )O(

SONNET #2 (LADY IN WAITING)
This remains between your ear and my lip, but
Wouldn't it just thrill if her were the right one?
Of all the horses that have let me slip
Wouldn't it fulfill if his were the white one?
Those knights who broke their unbreakable grip
Leave me to doubt, but he leads me to hope
When soft and soothing sentiments do drip
And draw me in and allow me to cope
And what allows him such power o'er me?
To command my every fantasy
And leave me living in the what-could-be
Just what has all this waiting done to me?
For I remain in need of distraction
A lady in waiting for his reaction.
-Michela Carattini, 22, New York City

THE FIST

The fist clenched round my heart
loosens a little, and I gasp
brightness, but it tightens
again. When have I ever not loved
the pain of love? But this has moved

past love to mania. This has the strong
clench of the madman, this is
gripping the ledge of unreason, before
plunging howling into the abyss.

Hold hard then, heart. This way at least you live.
-Derek Walcott
From "COllected Poems 1948-1984" by Derek Walcott

What is moodling? (Brenda Ueland) "long, inefficient, happy, idling, dawdling, and puttering" that induces revealing and rewarding reveries.

"Undoubtedly, we become what we envisage." Claude M. Bristol

Whatever we convince ourselves is true, is true. If we say something again and again we begin to ingrain it in our heads and we manifest it in our lives.

YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFULL.
YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFULL.
YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFULL.
YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFULL.
YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFULL.
YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFULL.
YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFULL.
YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFULL.

Honouring Self

Find a sacred space where you are able to hold yourself more gently.

Let the healing silence enfold you.

As you breathe in and out release the heaviness that burdens your soul, let go of the should's and ought to's that have held you down.

In this magic moment let the silence become your friend, let the quiet rush of love hold your healing heart, soothing the bumps and bruises you have collected this day and other days like this.

In this sacred space,
honour your body, it has carried you thru this day;
honour your spirit, it has remained unbroken in times of great pain;
honour your laughter, it has helped you thru many tough moments;
honour your tears, they are cleansing for your spirit;
honour your sadness, it has many lessons to share;
honour your mistakes, learn from them;
honour your resilience, you have survived much;
honour your healing, allow it time.

We have dishonoured ourselves too often, in this space only allow healing, wholeness and silence to enter. Begin and end each day with honour towards your spirit, yourself.

by Compassion (on SARK MMB)

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