What are you feeding?

An old Indian told his grandson about the fight that was going on in his inside.
“Son, it is a fight between two wolfs. One is called anger, jealousy, regret, arrogance, self pity, doubt, lying en egoism. The other one is called joy, peace, love, hope, rest, humility, friendliness, truth and loyalty."
The grandson asks, “... and grandfather, who is going to win?”
And the old Indian answers, “The wolf that I feed."

Do Something!

You might not like this…

September 23rd, 2004

It’s 4 AM. I’m awake and talking to you.

Whenever I get the chance I read the comments posted by those who read this page.
I never responded before, but there’s something I need to share with you…

There’s a purpose for me going through the trouble of sharing myself with you in this very intense journey for me.

• I don’t write this page to pump up my ego. I enjoy reading your comments about your appreciation and love, but this is not my purpose.
• I don’t write this page to give you an intellectual or emotional entertainment.
• I don’t write this page to give you something to talk about.

I don’t care if you like what I write or you hate it or it bores you to death. I don’t care if you think I’m a great person or an ass hole.

I go through the trouble of looking everyday for an Internet café, so you can have a fresh and alive thought or insight, hoping with all my heart that something I write would move you to act.

I don’t care if my words touches you or move you to tears. My only purpose is that my words would move you to act.

I’m trying to give you a sense of the camino without the blisters and the bee stings. But you still need to walk your walk - have your own personal blisters, experience your own personal sunshines.

This is not a sophisticated gossip column or an ongoing paparazzi story.

When conceiving this page, I was looking for a new way to bring people to more awareness of their own life, moving them to take action in their own life, creating a better life for themselves and others.

And yet, it seems… that people still read about…

Knowing I lost many of my readers already, I’m risking loosing some more…
Hey, how about taking something from what you read. Something that feels right. And instead of nodding in agreement… go and do something about it.

Do you realize that you can TODAY meet a total stranger, that even speak a different language than yours, and open your heart to him or her…? Don’t think so? How about your teenage kid? How about your parents? Did you ever asked them what their dreams are? What their vision is? What are their fears? And did you ever sit to listen? Did you ever shared yours?

How about today?

I’d love to hear these stories in the comments!

How about knocking on your neighbor door, right now, asking if there’s anything you can do to make their day a better day?

When you see their surprised/shocked experience explain them it’s “happy neighbor day"!

If you find anything in my words that inspires you - go and do it.

When I read 15 years ago in Richard Bach’s book Illusions, “Live never to be ashamed if anything you say or do is published around the world, even if what is said is not true. ” and that day I stopped lying.

As soon as I finished reading Paulo Coelho’s, “the Alchemist” - I developed a new training - “the Flow".

After I gave my first One Experience training I asked my old teacher what should I study now. He said, “stop studying and start teaching, writing, spreading the word…” Since that day I never stopped writing…

I’m nobody special. I eat and shit and fuck just like you. I smell like hell after walking all day. And after a shower and a long rest, I can be really friendly and fun to be with…

Just like you…

Looking forward to hear about YOU…

With all my love, Nisandeh

******

I could not begin to explain what I'm gathering from this man's journey..... I found this site from a newsletter, one of so many I receive, and I've sat here this morning reading every entry.... I chose to share this one with you, in particular, because it says soemthing I think is so important. It reminds us that this man is an ordinary, everyday person, just like you or me. You don't have to be some unreachable, untouchable hand of the divine to teach, to have meaning, to inspire. You, me, anyone can be a leader. ANyone can make a difference in their own way.. and you should. No one has a reason to do nothing. Even the smallest, most invisible, disabled creature can effect the course of the universe...

Be Something!

Tabitha )O(

the answer

// The evening is an interesting experience with a bubbly girl from Uruguay. She told me about the lion in all the templar churches. Its role is to keep a secret. And he looks to the direction of the secret it is keeping. Usually it looks to a place on the wall or in the ceiling.
In the last church I visited, the lion was looking straight at me…
Now I got the message where to start looking…

I told an old Brazilian pilgrim, that is walking the camino for the fourth time, about my question “why walk?” and he answered, “The question is not ‘why?’The question is ‘what for?’and the answer to this question you always find at the end…”

And with this happy note, I suggest you think about it…
Because it’s not only about the camino… //

taken from the Motivation2Go weblog, where Nisandeh is documenting his pilgrimage

Interesing.... people think you must have a reason to make such sacred journeys over many many miles, but even someone who is doesn't know really why he is.... The old man who's journeying for the fourth time tells him the answer is always at the end... Sometimes you must take the chance without knowing in the beginning what it will get you. It speaks to you.... something makes you take that first step... you have to be willing to walk the path before you without knowing where it will lead you...

What is the point?

It is only when we silent the blaring sounds of our daily existence that we can finally hear the whispers of truth that life reveals to us, as it stands knocking on the doorsteps of our hearts.

K.T. Jong

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Discovering Your True Self

Many people are on a quest seeking to discover whether God exists, what happens to us after death, and what the purpose of humanity is. Few people, however, are asking the most important question of all: "Who or what am I?" What good are the answers to the other questions if we don't even know who or what we are? Most of us are asleep. We're zombies. We exist, but don't live. We see, but don't watch. We hear, but don't listen. We speak empty words and eat without tasting. We rush on our way without feeling the wind on our face, the sun on our arms, and the grass beneath our feet. Why chase after life-after-death when we ignore life-before-death? Why do we pass through life unaware of the greatest treasure of all, our True Self?

© Chuck Gallozzi

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To the question of your life you are the answer, and to the problems of your life you are the solution.

Joe Cordare

***************************

above quotes swiped from newletter
SpiritualSisters of the Internet Cafe
www.spiritualsisters.com

SO many people run to therapists, paying them hundreds of $$ and hour to tell them what's wrong with them... but if you think about it, what so therapists actually do? 1) They prescribe drugs to make it go away. 2) They ask you questions (really no different than a good friend could do) & make you talk about how you feel, etc. etc. & it's really you who figures out in the end where your problem lies, isn't it?

People are always turning to self-help books and psychs wanting them to fix it. They can't. *THWACK* Hello people! You are the only one who can change you! I've read countless self-help books & they can be very helpfull, yes, but not if you think "oh, I'll read this and it will explain everything. It will tell me what's wrong with me & how to quit it & then everything will be perfect..." WRONG!! The way self-help books (BTW: They are called "self-help" books, not "magick fix everything" books!) have helped me is by reading thru things, paying attention to what it's saying, sometimes re-reading them many times, and keeping a journal about what I think & feel while I'm reading the book. They are a tool you can use to help yourself! But they can't do it for you. And neither can some fucking shrink, unless you just want a zombie pill to take 3 times a day so you don't have to feel anything & therefore don't have to deal with anything.

I, myself, have a chemical imbalance. It runs in my family. (I'm just explaining something here, BTW. I hate people who say "Well, it runs in my family, so it's not my fault" and I guess they think that makes it ok to be a total ass because of it- sorry, but NO.) But I can't stand to take pills & such & I've been to a therapist who was useless, completely useless, so I read, I analyze, I pay attention to the world around me & try to be very observant. I learned a very simple, but very effective, lesson from The Dalai Lama's Guide to Happiness: Find the things that make you feel happy & feel good & encourage more of those in your life. Realize the things that make you unhappy, make you feel bad, feel angry or negative, and remove them from your life or, if it's something you can't escape, find a way to lessen it's prominence in your daily environment. It's, as I said, a very simple lesson, but it's amazing how many people just don't think about something like that.... if you are coming in contact with something the always makes you un-happy... stay away from it.... so simple....

Yes, I have bad days.. but I work thru them & do not use my mental problems as a crutch or an excuse not to function or use them as a reason it's ok to be a spaz or a total brat. You can have a normal life & a happy life. You just have to make an actual effort and stop expecting the world to work for you or work around you.

***************************

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THE MAYONNAISE JAR AND COFFEE

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar...and the coffee...

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, " I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things-your God, family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions-things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car.The sand is everything else-the small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal." Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend." Please share this with someone you care about. Have a blessed day!!!

*********

It's fairly likely you've already read this somewhere, but there are certain things I feel are significant enough in their message so as to merit repeating... And some people have to have something sent about a dozen times or more before they realise "Gee, maybe I should read this..."


It was a busy nite round my house this last one... Brian and I found a couple beautifull chest of drawers the other evening that some schmuck had thrown out & totally trashed. He rebuilt one back as a dresser (which proved to be more handy than I inititially realised, because emptying the olde one caused me to get rid of some things I never wear & reorganize my dressers in a more usefull manner - yeah me!) & it's actually got bout 3 more drawers than I use, so Hallelujah! more storage!! The other dresser he's rebuilding to use as a kitchen hutch with 2 drawers in the bottom & a couple shelves. That ones proving to be more of a problem because the drawers don't go all the way across the inside & he's having trouble making shelves out of them. Anyhow, tho, so we moved the office all around- and I mean all around- last nite after what had already been a very hectic day... We were both very tired & I just managed to get the bed cleared off before I crashed and he still hadda stay up for a bit to hook things up.

So now there's much more space in the office... The recliner's been moved up in the room by the window, so company isn't so far away against the back wall... it's just much better. Hopefully tonite while I'm at work he'll get the hutch finished & we can do the kitchen tonite (man does it need it!!)

1st Day of Fall!!

I have all this pain inside.... and I can't even cry. I can't cry. I've cried so much... I need to. I need something to release, to let out what I feel, but there's nothing. The tears don't come anymore. The pain just just sits in my chest like a big black lump, heave and dead.
I though I'd patched things up with Ty, but apparently I was right (when will I ever learn to listen to my instincts!!!) right to think that the Universe was trying to keep me from going to see her. Fuck. We were fine. We had a great time hanging out the one night... then I come home this morning (the day didn't start out well - I was in the middle of washing my hair when the little man turned the water off & I hadda go to Mom's to rinse out my hair & borrow the $80 to get it turned back on). But so I came home from that & Brian says she droppes off a letter. I read it. She read the email I sent in reply to Charity's and no longer wants to be my friend. She's angry for what I said about Julie and I'm not sure what else.... she wasn't very clear. Just saying I am not "honest" as I claim to be. That I have said hurtful things and for no real reason.
Next time I think the Universe is trying to tell me something, I will listen. I'm so tired of the pain....

This has become one of my favourite songs lately:

I Meant To

by Brad Cotter

Things get in the way
The rush of everyday
Ordinary stuff we all get into
Wouldn't it be sad, if all you ever had
was a granite epitaph that said 'I meant to'


So any pretty woman I didn't take the time to kiss
Any crazy thing I didn't do, 'I meant to'

Any dirty liar I didn't stare right in the eye
and make him tell the naked truth, 'I meant to'

I'm always on the run some things get lost some get done
But if I didn't have all the fun I meant to, 'I meant to'

And if I never came out and said to each and everyone I love, how much I really do, 'I meant to'



Maybe this one chance
Is all we really have
Maybe all you got, is what you get to
Well I ain't gonna cry
I'll give it my best try
Then kiss the world goodbye and say 'I meant to'

So any pretty woman I didn't take the time to kiss
Any crazy thing I didn't do, 'I meant to'

Any dirty liar I didn't stare right in the eye
and make him tell the naked truth, 'I meant to'

I'm always on the run some things get lost some get done
But if I didn't have all the fun I meant to, 'I meant to'

And if I never came out and said to each and everyone I love, how much I really do, 'I meant to'

I meant to
I meant to


I thinks it's just beautifull. Of course, I watched Nashville Star this season, but only because Matt Lindahl caught my eye channel surfing one night. He was my guy, the one I wanted to win, but they treated him like a joke because he was a little more Roger Miller than Tim McGraw and he didn't win ;_; .... It wasn't till I heard "I meant to" on the radio that I even knew who did win (once they voted Matt off I changed the channel). I recognized the song because Brad performed it on the show. Yes, I do feel a little pang of guilt for loving the song because, technically, he's the enemy... but I think Matt would understand....

*****************

Movie Review: The VIllage

The movie (in case you live under a rock) is about a small village of people who live in a clearing surrounded by woods. Their is a fenced border around the town to remind people not to go into the woods because "those we do not speak of" live in the woods. The villagers have a truce between them & the creatures, but suddenly things start to happen....

As soon as I saw the trailer I was already there.. but I didn't get to see it in the theatre.. and then I started hearing mixed reviews. A couple friends said it was really good, others said it "made no sense" and complained that you never even see the monster and the ending's stupid. After watching the movie, here's my view:

The movie does move a little slowly, but there's enough interest and plot to keep me watching. It renewed my enamourment of Joaquin Phoenix (WHY ISN'T HE IN MORE MOVIES??!?!?). His character is very smart & quiet, gentle. But he is also brave in a "for the good of the village" sort of way rather than the beyond human heroes we've been inundated with as of late. Don't get me wrong, I love heroes, but it's nice to have a healthy reminder once in a while that there are also courageous people who do the unbelievable simply because it's what is the right thing to do.... I thought the movie made perfect sense if you payed attention, but the secret really will get you when you discover it... As for the "monster" you do see it & I dunno what the hell he was talking about- not that that really matters to anyone with intelligence... And the ending is not stupid, it leaves you thinking. I, personally like movies like that, but it's a bit much for some people to have to think.. I guess.. It's not the kind of movie you'd really watch more than once, but I'd definitely recommend seeing it. Definitely.

****************

An update on projects in the works:

I've decided to launch my own business. I will, of course, remain "on staff" at Instant Infamy, but I have other projects I want to work on & other wonderfull things I want to share with the world, so I'm going to start working on some new things, mostly based on my happy & beloved "Shwoopie People". The first project is a wall calendar, which I will be starting soon. Later will come t-shirt designs, notebooks, maybe a day-planner style calendar.... I've got a lot brewing upstairs now that I have a starting point! Stay tuned for more updates...

Now, I know my bf loves me & all my parts.. he seems especially favoured of the meatier parts (which is good!) but sometimes it's nice to receive a little boost from someone who isn't obligated to adore me. See, I dropped Brian off w/ his little friend to deliver papers & stopped by Taco Hell for a quesadilla. I pulled up to the little window & the cute young guy leaned out & it bordered on a double take. Nice to know I'm so cute they hafta look twice to verify... Then he had this little embarassed grin like you get when you're talking to somebody you're so crushing on & you're praying to not say anything stooopid.... Yeah me! Still a cutey!

Beyond that little bit o' fluff, my night at work went much better than expected. Chris told me before she left that Justin was coming in to help Sherrie w/ floors, so I figured he would be all up in my bubble all nite using my last nerve for a trampoline, like he did last time. But I talked to Sherrie before he got there & told her bout the issues I been having w/ him lately & how I was considering leaving. I mentioned to her needing a day job & she said I should see if he'd swap me w/ Amber- make her work nights & gimme the L-2 (8-3:30) shift. She said she'd talk to him. Later, he wants to talk to me & he says if I want the day shift it's mine & if she don't like it she can be replaced! Talked to Sherrie bout what he said & she said she'd told him I was a damn good worker & not to lose me so if I wanted the day shift give it to me & that Shane would be really pissed if he found out Justin lemme get away! Plus she told him to stop picking on me bcoz I'm only joking & he needs to stop taking things so seriously.. Hurray for Sherrie! My hero!!! So in bout 3 weeks I start working day shift. I'll get off at 3:30 & have all day left. I'lll have more time w/ my chibi & my friends! Lalalalalalal ...... oh happy day........

Just to let my faithfull readers know, I've started my very own Yahoo Group!! It's called Behold My Obsessions. It's a group for sharing pics & fanfic involving all my fave boys & it's also open to any kinda discussion!

I am a Dreamer





I hear the whistle of the wind

the sound of the silence

I see the unicorns fly

the angles in the sky

I see the fire of the dragons breath



I want to be free to soar with the eagles

to dream the dream of dreams



I am a dreamer



I pretend to float on the clouds

to fly across the sky on a dragons wing

to see a unicorn



I feel the wind blow across the land

the dragons breath

an angles touch



I touch the sky with my dreams

the wind as it blows thru the air

the light of the stars that shine at night



I am a dreamer



I dream about anything and everything

that the world cannot offer

I dream every chance I get

To often

Not enough



I  dream of a world without crime

a land without polution

Peace for all



I am a dreamer





(written by Carolyn H. posted to Altered Books Yahoo Group)







It's strange how the world calls someone a dreamer as tho it's a bad thing to be

- a hopeless dreamer.... Funny to me, when dreamers seem to be the most hopefull

 of anyone...



Dreamers are the ones who make the world a better place for being a part of it- Martin Luther

King, Vincent van Gogh, all artists, musicians.. where would the world be without

these hopeless dreamers...

Dummm de dummm... Life sucks for me lately, you know? (Great opening for a post, right?) Well, the job thing's happening at snail pace... I never seem to have time to go out looking for a better job coz I'm always working. (Funny how that works, eh?) And I feel like I've got some kinda wretched skin disorder... when I was on vaca we went to the pool (did I whine about this already? probably...) and spent way too much time there and no one paying much attention... so we all got baked. The trip back was uncomfortable and cranky, but I've just gotten worse as the days go by. My face, I think, is mostly done peeling (it's the w0rst when your face is peeling- you don't even want anybody to look at you...) but my back is all chewed up & it's incredibly unpleasant wearing anything against the skin at all..... *pause to contemplate nudist colony* Last night I noticed both my shoulders and halfway down my arms was covered in little blisters, so Brian suggested taking a long hot bath. He said it would "open up the pores and let the fluid from the blisters drain out." Sounded good to me, so in I went. Most of the little blisters are gone, but, of course, now the shoulders and arms are all peely too..... ;_;

Oh well, enough whining I guess.....

You know, it's strange, if you think about it... they mention in songs about "..if I could go back in time, I'd try to find you and make up for all this wasted time..." (Read Your Mind by Vonda Shepard) but that's wrong. At least I think so. I believe you find the right person for you exactly when you are meant to. I do not believe Fate is in complete control of you destiny, but I do believe there are certain things pre-determined for you life and it is the Fates' jobs to contrive a way to make those things happen. I do not believe in one single soul mate tho is the only person we could ever truly be happy with. I believe there are certain sould with whom you are perfectly compatible. And that's why there are lovers in uor lives where things didn't work out for whatever reasons, but that love remains. No matter how many years and miles away you may go, you can never escape that memory. Something always will inevitably bring that person back to mind. It's because your soul felt a bond with their's and that kind of bond can not be broken.

There are certain people, old boyfriends.. sometimes someone I never even dated.. who consistently sneak back to the forefront of my conscious without any warning. There are lovers I've had who I had a major relationship with and never even think of them barely at all... but there are those who I cannot seem to shake. Without any real reason or much encouragement my mind will bring them back to me & I'm sitting dwelling on olde thoughts and passing moments.... It's very confusing....

Just wanted to let all know that I have returned from my vaca. Was off the last 4 days to visit my Papaw & Mamaw in West Virginia ( along w/ Mom, Dad,"little" brother, sister & her 3 kids).

We drove down Friday & got there around 1 AM.... we were very busy this weekend. Site-seeing at Dad's old hangouts (he grew up there), visiting the zoo, County park.... all over.. We went mini-golfing, but gave up halfway thru the course coz it was too hot & mini golf w/ 3 kids is taxing... yeah, taxing is a good word for it... Nearly 4 hours in the pool and yes, we're all burned, but I seem to be taking the most lasting damage.... ;_; I'm crispy-fried! and miserable..

But the trip was all in all a good one. Really enjoyed seeing Mamaw & Papaw, since it's been about 7 years since our last trip!

I missed Brian something dreadful & was so happy to see that he was home when I got here, but just bout cried when he said he was having to leave for work soon... I really woulda liked some time with him..... ;_;

Anyhow, tho.... I have returned safely and only slightly the worse for wear......... and very glad to be home.