26 January, 2009

boycott love. detox just to retox..

fearnottheflame is made of awesome। why you ask॥ bc she made the monies magykally appear to buy concert tickets to...

wait for it...

FALL. OUT. BOY.

that's right!! we're going to see them on may 8th in ann arbor। how stoked am i? totally hardcore stoked doods. like this:

\o/\o/\o\/o/\o/\o/

all *flailyface* and *hearthands*

i cannot even। i am so excited. plus my bday is on the 13th so it's kind of like "would you like a cupcake for your bday?"

"no. i want patrick effing stump. kthx."

"oh. ok. you can haz."

"wait?! whut?! i can haz।"

"you can। happy bday."

"w00t! omnomnom।"

i know। i'm ridiculous. but i am waaaaaaaay too excited about this. my first fob concert... i'm like dying. for realz. but i cannot actually die bc then i can't haz pstump. and i will haz.

did i mention how totally stoked i am?! :DDDDD





also- this:




















































and this:




















rofl. i love these damn stoopid ass bois so hard. srsly. i pray daily that they never change. you hear me you big ass dorks!? never change.

ETA: um॥ Ran... is that your scarf Neal's wearing????? *dies laughing again*


ETA: talalkhemiyst is also made of awesomeness. there is a reason these ppl are mah besties. check out this shizz! (also if anybody knows how to animate stuff could you plz and i will LOVE YOU 4EVER animate an icon of that for me!!)

24 January, 2009

this is my wtf face

okay sooo first of all.. tour date mf finally!!! no clue if i can even get into any of them.. but... *prays* valparaiso uni is like half an hour from me which is ridic. srsly. i know how small that town is. lol. but i am hoping to call them tomorrow and maybe find out if it's students only. i'm refusing to get my hopes up tho bc i have been watching the devastation (davastation?) setting in all around the fandom bc seems like every show somebody checks on in stus only. fail ass anbu tour dave. *headdesk*

beyond that i got the schedule for next week at work tonight and happened to notice that dayna wasn't on it.. so i ask mamma about it. she's not sposeta tell me i guess but haha we tell each other everything biotches so deal with it so she tells me anyhow. apparently last saturday when dayna worked she had a mf party in one of the vacant rooms! no. no really. she did. whatthehell?! and then she didn't bother to clean up the suite. so when the housekeeper goes in to what should be a clean vacant room she finds the whole suite trashed and beer bottles everywhere, including broken ones in the bathroom. for real? oh yes. unbelievable. so, obv, we have surveillance tapes. which, bit surprise, caught her and her friends going in and out of that room and going to the door to let other people in. insanity i tell you. she knows we have cameras. everybody knows.. so she got fired. obv. and is banned from the property. insanity.. see what happens when i go down to 3 days a week and leave them to fend for themselves... i cannot even believe someone would be that stoopid.

i cut my hair the other night (by which i mean i myself in the bathroom with a pair of scissors) and it's looking pretty damn cute actually. talalkhemiyst sez it is ttly vintage!Pete like from, Under the Cork Tree but i cannot even remember so i fail. i will take her word for it. maybe i will post before and after pics tomorrow... maybe.

finished the spiff-o Dr. Stein scarf i was sewing and it is ttly fab. go me. also made one for black star-kun. go go me! rofl. i'm very excited about this plushie idea.. i will be hopefully giving it a shot on my days off next week. *crosses fingers*

rearranged the furniture in my room last night and now the space in my room is like tripled and the energy flow is way stellar. awesome.

super stoked that the watchmen soundtrack drops on march 3rd. cannot wait to hear "desolation row." dammit mcr it has been faaaaaar too long since you are making mf musikz. *shakes fist*

um....


i think that is all...



xo.

27 October, 2007

Happy Birthday Joaquin Phoenix!! Picspam (NDUF)

I wanted to go out karaoke tonite, but my bar (the only one in town I care to even go to) was inexplicably closed... So I am winding cheering myself up by posting a super-hot Joaquin Phoenix birthday spam. Enjoy!

20 October, 2007

Happy Bday Viggo Mortensen!






I just love his smile - it's such an honest "non-Hollywood" smile...





I love him here, so relaxed & comfortable in his skin.






Viggo with David Cronenberg (director of "A History of Violence" and "Eastern Promises" - which I so have to go see.)




You need only look in those eyes to see how old this man's soul really is...







And lastly, some as Nikolai from his newest film, "Eastern Promises"





08 October, 2007

Rant!

Y'know, it's kinda funny. See my sis posted a comment on my page saying "Some days it's just not worth chewing through the restraints" and she couldn't have picked better. For me, today was one of those days!

Mom & Dad just got their compy back from repair, & they liked the guy who worked on it, so I took mine over. Keith looks it over, listens to me describe all the issues I've been having with it & whatever. He says based on what I'm describing, it's gotta be the motherboard. Turns out basically every part of my poor compy is out-dated as hell. Fuck. So I sat talking with him & going over new parts. We picked out some really good stuff based on what I use it for & the total for my shiny new compy (when it's all done) will be around $600. Fuck. It should be just completely awesome, but damn. Thankfully, we can do it in pieces. So I will drop off some money on payday for parts till I've got them all paid for & then he'll build it for me. It will be nice to have such an awesome system when it's done, but that's a big fucking chunk, seriously!

Well, it took forever to go over all the parts & such, so then I had to run to Walmart to pick up sinus medicine & stuff. Of course there were like 4 lanes open with waayy too many people waiting in every line. And of course I picked the one that had to suddenly stop & do a money drop. And of course she tried to scan my stuff with the guy's stuff ahead of me. Jeezass!

So when I finally get out I hit Wendy's for dinner & when I get home Mom & Dad are pissed because I'm waayyy late & they're starving (I knew they would be).

Finish dinner & try to scan some pages from my journal like I promised Indigo, but (of course!) the scanner says "Fuck You! Don't feel like it!" So I'll have to do that another day.

To cap off my night, I go to let Shadow in & hear it's raining - hard. So I run out, realising I left my windows down in my hurry to get home with dinner. Fuck. My seats are cloth not vinyl & it's all soaked inside. Fabulous.

I shudder to think what my night at work is gonna be like after a day like today. Maybe the Universe will have pity. *prays*

01 October, 2007

I'm in a really good place right now...

For the first time in a (very) long time, I'm in a really good place right now. Not a good place as in where I'm living, because right now that's with my folks while I pay off some bills, etc. But a really good place in my life, with myself. I can't remember the last time I really felt like I was doing for myself & focusing on what I want to get out of life. It feels pretty good. I'm working on my Schwoopies. I even have a children's book & a tarot deck in the works! *does motivational dance* I am really pleased with the work I've been doing lately, & the more I work on it, the better it seems to be getting (awesome!).

Besides my art, I am really happy with myself for the first time in what seems like forever. I think the last time I really was close to knowing and understanding myself was in high school (for those who don't know, that was 10 years ago) before I started along the path of bad relationships. I do regret all the time I lost & the me that I lost along the way, but those years have all taught me a great deal of very valuable lessons, so I can't regret it completely. But finally I am coming back to myself & what truly makes me happy, not what can I do to make someone else happy or make them love me. I don't need to make someone love me. I am well worth loving just as I am, cracks & flaws & all!

There is someone I've been kinda talking to over the last couple months & it seems that at this point he's maybe not quite ready & maybe it will just stay as working on a friendship for awhile. A couple months ago, this would have crushed me. I would have felt rejected & miserable & been scrambling to make him want me. It feels good to be able to say that I'm okay with this and actually mean it. (Hallelujah!!) I'm really okay. I'm not upset. I completely understand that he has some things he's still dealing with in his life. And I accept the thought that it might never happen. I'm okay with that too. It seems strange to say that. It's been so long since I was okay with myself & with being alone. To not feel panicky at being alone. To not feel depressed & un-wanted. But the beauty of it is that I am wanted - by me! I am enough, just by myself. Of course I want to be with someone, but I don't have to be to be happy. Wow! I think I've finally reached the point of "becoming a 1"!

28 September, 2007

A 'Promise' in blood - Film

A 'Promise' in blood - Film

Mortensen owns Russian mobster role
By Blake Goble, Daily Arts Writer on 9/24/07

Sleek, lean and lethal, Nikolai Luzhin is a frighteningly efficient solider in the Vory V Salome, London's Russian mafia. He's the recent recipient of high honors, and he flaunts it with a body covered in imposing tattoos.

But such badges don't matter when he's stark naked in a Russian bathhouse and about to be butchered. Struggling and desperate, Nikolai must brawl with two bounty hunters coming at him with knives. Nikolai is scared, doggedly working to ensure his own life however he can.

Graphic and haunting, this may be the classic scene of "Eastern Promises," the moment that will be immortalized later like the best of "Scarface" or "Fight Club." It's the climax of an unforgettable thriller from now-elder statesman David Cronenberg ("A History of Violence"), arguably his most accomplished work to date.

(click link to read full article)

Death Note coming to Adult Swim

I just found out from About.com that Death Note will premiere on Adult Swim October 20th at midnight. I love the idea of Death Note getting more exposure, because not enough people know about it, seriously. But Death Note in Cartoon Network's hands concerns me. I can't help but worry that they're gonna start chopping as soon as it's in their hot little hands.. because, well, that's just what they seem to do with any new anime series they get! And, honestly, to anyone who's watched it, you know there are some things they're gonna cut. I bet you're already listing the scenes in your head..

26 September, 2007

models & movies

It's so sick that I spent the whole afternoon watching a marathon of ANTM, but something about that show is just so damn addicting.. LOL! There's like a whole slew of new shows I'd like to catch coming up this season, but I bet I won't watch any of them. I really don't watch that much TV anymore. Internet is my total vice! I only seem to watch TV when I'm watching it with other people, or someone else is online.

Maybe I should just plug the modem into my arm!Since plans for this week are a no-go, I think maybe I'll go the movies Friday night. I'm dying to see Across the Universe. I bet it's at the theatre in MC... Of course, that means I'll be going to the movies alone, which I've never done & is a bit scary, but WTF?! At least that way I know I'll get to see the movie I want, get to enjoy it, & nobody will bitch if I talk to the movie. (Well, maybe the people in front of me, but they're not my peeps, so who cares...)

02 May, 2007

American Idol (so way spoilers)

I am completely miserable... I can't believe that damn fake-ass Jordin & diva-egomaniacal Lakisha are still there and Phil & Chris are gone. I can't stand it.

To anyone who's ever HEARD a fucking Bon Jovi song, we all know they both butchered those songs.. Jordin was just a freakin' joke trying to sing anything Rock, especially "Livin' On A Prayer" & Lakisha sang "This Ain't A Love Song" like it really wasn't. She completely missed the poing Jon was making about the true meaning of that song & she sang it like an angry break-up anthem. Dumb bitch. She never listens to anyone. She thinks she knows it all & is just plain entitled to something, so she just does whatever she wants.

Phil opened the show with an incredible performance of "Blaze of Glory." As far as I think, it was his best performance. He's never looked that confident onstage. He was fantastic. I don't think "Wanted" was Chris' best performance, but it was still a great performance. He was smoldering and I think maybe he didn't get a fair review because he had to follow Blake.. who was phenomenal. I think Jordin or Lakisha shoulda followed Blake & then people could see how shallow & un-original they really are. >_<

Blake & Chris were so adorable talking to Ryan just before the results... "We're best friends" "I'd go home for him in a heartbeat" "We're going on tour together" God I hope they do.. That's a concert I'd sell my little brother for tickets to. (Sorry Jim)

It's completely wrong. I don't want to sound prejudice, but I know (and I'm sure I'm not the only one) who is voting for Lakisha, and it's completely wrong. People should win this competition based on their talent. It's sposeta be a talent competition, not a popularity contest, but fans have been complaining about that all year.

Bottom Line: If the finale of this season is Jordin vs. Lakisha, you won't get me to watch another season. I will know American Idol is dead.

31 March, 2007

What Tree Did You Fall From?

WHAT TREE DID YOU FALL FROM?

Find your birthday and then find your tree. This is really cool and somewhat accurate. Then send it to your friends, including the one that sent it to you, so they can find out what tree they fell from, but don't forget to change the subject line to your tree. Find your tree below and see what you are like...

Jan 01 to Jan 11 - Fir Tree
Jan 12 to Jan 24 - Elm Tree
Jan 25 to Feb 03 - Cypress Tree
Feb 04 to Feb 08 - Poplar Tree
Feb 09 to Feb 18 - Cedar Tree
Feb 19 to Feb 28 - Pine Tree
Mar 01 to Mar 10 - Weeping Willow Tree
Mar 11 to Mar 20 - Lime Tree
Mar 21 (only) - Oak Tree
Mar 22 to Mar 31 - Hazelnut Tree
Apr 01 to Apr 10 - Rowan Tree
Apr 11 to Apr 20 - Maple Tree
Apr 21 to Apr 30 - Walnut Tree
May 01 to May 14 - Poplar Tree
May 15 to May 24 - Chestnut Tree
May 25 to Jun 03 - Ash Tree
Jun 04 to Jun 13 - Hornbeam Tree
Jun 14 to Jun 23 - Fig Tree
Jun 24 (only) - Birch Tree
Jun 25 to Jul 04 - Apple Tree
Jul 05 to Jul 14 - Fir Tree
Jul 15 to Jul 25 - Elm Tree
Jul 26 to Aug 04 - Cypress Tree
Aug 05 to Aug 13 - Poplar Tree
Aug 14 to Aug 23 - Cedar Tree
Aug 24 to Sep 02 - Pine Tree
Sep 03 to Sep 12 - Weeping Willow Tree
Sep 13 to Sep 22 - Lime Tree
Sep 23 (only) - Olive Tree
Sep 24 to Oct 03 - Hazelnut Tree
Oct 04 to Oct 13 - Rowan Tree
Oct 14 to Oct 23 - Maple Tree
Oct 24 to Nov 11 - Walnut Tree
Nov 12 to Nov 21 - Chestnut Tree
Nov 22 to Dec 01 - Ash Tree
Dec 02 to Dec 11 - Hornbeam Tree
Dec 12 to Dec 22 - Fig Tree
Dec 23 to Jan 01 - Apple Tree

TREES (in alphabetical order)

Apple Tree (Love) -- quiet and shy at times, lots of charm, appeal, and attraction, pleasant attitude, flirtatious smile, adventurous, sensitive, loyal, wants to love and be loved, faithful and tender partner, very generous, many talents, loves children and animals, needs affectionate partner.

Ash Tree (Ambition) -- extremely attractive, vivacious, impulsive, demanding, does not care for criticism, ambitious, intelligent, talented, likes to play with fate, can be very egotistic, reliable, restless lover, sometimes money rules over the heart, demands attention, needs love and much emotional support.

Beech Tree (Creative) -- has good taste, concerned about its looks, materialistic, good organization of life and career, economical, good leader, takes no unnecessary risks, reasonable, splendid lifetime companion, keen on keeping fit (diets, sports, etc.).

Birch Tree (Inspiration) -- vivacious, attractive, elegant, friendly, unpretentious, modest, does not like anything in excess, abhors the vulgar, loves life in nature and in calm, not very passionate, full of imagination, little ambition, creates a calm and content atmosphere.

Cedar Tree (Confidence) -- of rare strength, knows how to adapt, likes unexpected presents, of good health, not in the least shy, tends to look down on others, self-confident, a great speaker, determined, often impatient, likes to impress others, has many talents, industrious, healthy optimism, waits for the one true love, able to make quick decisions.

Chestnut Tree (Honesty) -- of unusual stature, impressive,well-developed sense of justice, fun to be around, a planner, born diplomat, can be irritated easily, sensitive of others feelings, hard worker, sometimes acts superior, feels not understood at times, fiercely family oriented, very loyal in love, physically fit.

Cypress Tree (Faithfulness) -- strong, muscular, adaptable, takes what life has to give but doesn't necessarily like it, strives to be content, optimistic, wants to be financially independent, wants love and affection, hates loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered at times, can be unruly and careless, loves togain knowledge, needs to be needed.

Elm Tree (Noble-mindedness) -- pleasant shape, tasteful clothes, modest demands, tends not to forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to obey, honest and faithful partner, likes making decisions for others, noble-minded, generous, good sense of humor, practical.

Fig Tree (Sensibility) -- very strong minded, a bit self-willed, honest, loyal, independent, hates contradiction or arguments, hard worker when wants to be, loves life and friends, enjoys children and animals, sexually oriented, great sense of humor, has artistic talent and great intelligence.

Fir tree (Mysterious) -- extraordinary taste, handles stress well, loves anything beautiful, stubborn, tends to care for those close to them, hard to trust others, yet a social butterfly, likes idleness and laziness after long demanding hours at work, rather modest, talented, unselfish, many friends, very reliable.

Hazelnut Tree (Extraordinary) -- charming, sense of humor, very demanding but can also be very understanding, knows how to make a lasting impression, active fighter for social causes and politics, popular, quite moody, sexually oriented, honest, a perfectionist, has a precise sense of judgment and expects complete fairness.

Hornbeam Tree (Good Taste) -- of cool beauty, cares for its looks and condition, good taste, is not egoistic, makes life as comfortable as possible, leads a reasonable and disciplined life, looks for kindness and acknowledgment in an emotional partner, dreams of unusual lovers, is seldom happy with its feelings, mistrusts most people, is never sure of its decisions, very conscientious.

Lime Tree (Doubt) - intelligent, hard working, accepts what life dishes out, but not before trying to change bad circumstances into good ones, hates fighting and stress, enjoys getaway vacations, may appear tough, but is actually soft and relenting, always willing to make sacrifices for family and friends, has many talents but not always enough time to use them, great leadership qualities, is jealous at times but extremely loyal.

Maple Tree (Independence of Mind) -- no ordinary person, full of imagination and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious, proud, self-confident, hungers for new experiences, sometimes nervous, has many complexities, good memory, learns easily, complicated love life, wants to impress.

Oak Tree (Brave) -- robust nature, courageous, strong, unrelenting, independent, sensible, does not like change, keeps its feet on the ground, person of action.

Olive Tree (Wisdom) -- loves sun, warmth and kind feelings, reasonable, balanced, avoids aggression and violence, tolerant, cheerful, calm, well-developed sense of justice, sensitive, empathetic, free of jealousy, loves to read and the company of sophisticated people.

Pine Tree (Peacemaker) -- loves agreeable company, craves peace and harmony, loves to help others, active imagination, likes to write poetry, not fashion conscious, great compassion, friendly to all, falls strongly in love but will leave if betrayed or lied to, emotionally soft, low self esteem, needs affection and reassurance.

Poplar Tree (Uncertainty) -- looks very decorative, talented, not very self-confident, extremely courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, great artistic nature, good organizer, tends to lean toward philosophy, reliable in any situation, takes partnership seriously.

Rowan Tree (Sensitivity) -- full of charm, cheerful, gifted without egoism, likes to draw attention, loves life, motion, unrest, and even complications, is both dependent and independent, good taste, artistic, passionate, emotional, good company, does not forgive.

Walnut Tree (Passion) -- unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egotistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and passionate, no compromise.

Weeping Willow (Melancholy) - likes to be stress free, loves family life, full of hopes and dreams, attractive, very empathetic, loves anything beautiful, musically inclined, loves to travel to exotic places, restless, capricious, honest, can be influenced but is not easy to live with when pressured, sometimes demanding, good intuition, suffers in love until they find that one loyal, steadfast partner; loves to make others laugh.

28 March, 2007

Eragon [rant]

Okay, I won't go into detail... partly for the sake of spoilers, and partly for the sake of my fingers falling off from typing about all the things they totally fucked up. Suffice it to say, I could probably count on one hand the number of things they got right - including the title. Jim (my not-so-little brother) & I sat down to watch it, partly expecting some discrepencies. Neither of us expected the complete pile of rubbish that spewed from the DVD player. (Jim said, after we watched the whole blessed steaming pile o' crap, that he needs to sanitize his DVD player now.) I don't think there was a single scene we could actually enjoy. EVERYTHING was wrong, including, but not limited to: there was no romance between Eragon & Aria, Brom should've been older (think Gandalf-esque), where was the pivotal werecat from the apothecary, the fight with the shade was all wrong, they left out huge & rather important segments with training & testing, Brom was not nearly so forthcoming with info (Eragorn practically had to pull teeth or trick him to get answers). And that's just the beginning. If you have read the books, do not, I repeat DO NOT see this movie, unless you go into it with the expectation of anger & major irritation for 2 hours. If you've seen the movie, know that the books are so much better than the transparent, cheap & predictable version on film. The books are wonder-full & well worth the read. When the turkey-fest finally concluded, I felt the need to thoroughly tenderize my brother's pillows while he flailed around in his chair muttering under his breath.

Did I mention I was rather disappointed?

29 January, 2006

I refuse to be Spongebob!!! >_<

Everyone has a personality of a cartoon character. Have you ever asked yourself what cartoon character you most resemble? Group of investigators got together, analyzed the personalities of well known & modern cartoon characters. Information gathered was made into this test: Answer all the questions with what describes you best, add up all your points (which are
next to answer that you choose) at the end & look for your results.

1. Which one of the following describes the perfect date?
a) Candlelight dinner (4 pts.)
b) Fun/Theme Park (2 pts.)
c) Painting in the park (5 pts.)
d) Rock concert (1 pt.)
e) Going to the movies (3 pts.)

2. What is your favorite type of music?
a) Rock & Roll (2 pts.)
b) Alternative (1 pt.)
c) Soft Rock (4 pts.)
d) Country (5 pts.)
e) Pop (3 pts.)

3. What type of movies do you prefer?
a) Comedy (2 pts.)
b) Horror (1 pt.)
c) Musical (3 pts.)
d) Romance (4 pts.)
e) Documentary (5 pts.)

4. Which one of these occupations would you choose if you only could choose one of these?
a) Waiter (4 pts.)
b) Professional Sports Player (5 pts.)
c) Teacher (3 pts.)
d) Police (2 pts.)
e) Cashier (1 pt)

5. What do you do with your spare time?
a) Exercise (5 pts.)
b) Read (4 pts.)
c) Watch television (2 pts.)
d) Listen to music (1 pt.)
e) Sleep (3 pts.)

6. Which one of the following colors do you like best?
a) Yellow (1 pt.)
b) White (5 pts.)
c) Sky Blue (3 pts.)
d) Dark Blue (2 pts.)
e) Red (4 pts.)

7. What do you prefer to eat right now?
a) Snow (3 pts.)
b) Pizza (2 pts.)
c) Sushi (1 pt.)
d) Pasta (4 pts.)
e) Salad (5 pts.)

8. What is your favorite holiday?
a) Halloween (1 pt.)
b) Christmas (3 pts.)
c) New Year (2 pts.)
d) Valentine's Day (4 pts.)
e) Thanksgiving (5 pts.)

9. If you could go to one of these places which one would it be?
a) Paris (4 pts.)
b) Spain (5 pts.)
c) Las Vegas (1 pt.)
d) Hawaii (4 pts.)
e) Hollywood (3 pts.)

10. With which of the following would you prefer to spend time?
a) Someone smart (5 pts.)
b) Someone attractive (2 pts.)
c) Someone who likes to Party (1 pt.)
d) Someone who always has fun (3 pts.)
e) Someone very sentimental (4 pts.)

Now add up your points & find the answer you have been waiting for!

~ ~ ~ Score Points ~ ~ ~
(10~16 points) You are Garfield: You are very com fortable, easy going & definitely know how to have fun but sometimes take it to an extreme. You always know what you're doing & are always in control of your life. Others may not see things as you do, but that doesn't mean you always have to do what's right. Try to remember your happy spirit may hurt you or others.

(17~23 points) You are Snoopy: You are fun, you are very cool & popular. You always know what's in & you are never out of style. You are good at knowing how to satisfy everyone else. You have probably disappeared for a few days more than once but always come home with the family values that you learned. Being married & having children are important to you, but only after you have had your share of fun times.

(24~28 points) You are Elmo: You have lots of friends, are also popular, always willing to give advice & help out a perso! n in need. You are very optimistic & always see the bright side of things. Some good advice: Try not to be too much of a dreamer, if not you'll have many conflicts in life.

(29~35 points) You are Sponge Bob Square Pants: You are a classic person that everyone loves. You are the best friend that anyone could ever have & never want to lose. You never cause harm to anyone & they would never not understand your feelings. Life is a journey, it's funny & calm for the most part. Stay away from traitors & jealous people, then you will be stress free.

(36~43 points) You are Charlie Brown: You are tender, you fall in love quickly but you are also very serious about all relationships. You are a family person. You call your mom every Sunday. You have many friends & may occasionally forget a few Birthdays. Don't let your passion confuse you with reality.

(44 ~50 points) You are Dexter: You are smart & definitely a thinker. Every situation is fronted with a plan. You have a brilliant mind. You demonstrate very strong family principles. Maintain a stable routine but never ignore a a bad situation when it comes.

28 January, 2006

Checking for a pulse

So I spent last night with a couple friends I haven't seen in months. We were doing the review of the time apart & when I mentioned that I'd gone to church (which, if you know me, is rather unusual) Frankie asked if I was "looking for God." I just went because I was visiting my mother that day and hadn't realised they were leaving for church soon and when she said so something told me to go. I have been trying very hard not to question things like that because it seem like something in me has closed up. I used to be a very open and welcoming person. I used to be a "people person" but recently I seem more anti-social. I can't explain it, I don't understand it myself... I have no want or motivation to do anything... I guess what I'm looking for is signs of life, in myself. Am I still in here? Where has the person gone with infinite energy and ideas and not enough time, or arms, to do all the things I wanna be working on? So I am just trying to be open to whatever the universe presents to me. I am trying to accept inspiration from wherever it appears.

These same friends want me and my bf to move in with them this spring. Brian and I have already agreed we like the idea and are both very eager to move like, RIGHT NOW!! But I have this fear that it won't happen, that they will change their minds at the last moment. They are my only two friends left and I adore them. Whenever we're together, they make me to feel like I could do anything. I feel inspired, magnified, more confident.... and it's not anything they do, it's just that they have the same spirit that I do to live life, to reach for more, to inspire and create and never stop... and I want that to be my everyday life, not just my yeah-I-think-I-have-the-gas-this-month. I don't get to spend nearly enough time with them because they life about a half hour away and money is so tight lately that I don't have the gas. I think having them around all the time, every day going "hey, loser- haven't you gotten off your ass yet" would be a huge help. I know this sounds a little selfish.. but these are very strong feelings that I have. And I think I might give a little of this to them as well. I love their stories (writers) and I encourage them when no one else responds to their work. Plus we've had some fantastic ideas together and they'd be much easier to breathe to life if all were in the same place geographically as well as mentally.

26 January, 2006

Can I still suffer The OC??

It just figures that I would fall in love with a show right before everything on it goes to total shit, right? Just my fucking luck. I was totally loving The OC, despite my best efforts to find it heinous and vapid... I so wanted it to be vapid. But, alas, in one fell swoop someone vapid shows up from prep school (where they breed the vapid) and destroys everything.... And just for the record may I reiterate JOHNNY IS NOT WORTH ALL THIS... the guy is pathetic, weak, has really bad hair... he's just like this leaching little creature trying to cling to anyone... ACK!! Can we be rid of him, please... And if princess Kaitlyn would just talk to Marissa, maybe something might get better, instead of just being determined to destroy her. And why is it that with every ep Marissa seems to be getting more irritating... what's that about? I liked her when I started watching at the beginning of the season, but I dislike her and become more annoyed with her very presence with every episode... Perhaps it's the white trash in me revolting against the fact that she has everything- a mother who, while sometimes a bit on the evil side, loves her kids and tries very hard to make things work without having to hurt anyone.... She's got amazing friends who she really doesn't seem to appreciate... and She's got RYAN!! Yes, he can be a little frustrating with his inability to communicate, but he throws himself at everything he comes up against and supports her beyond everything... he's even saved her would-be boyfriend from himself, repeatedly!!!

*THWACK*

Wake up Marissa, you twit!!!

************


Beyond all that ranting.. I have finally received an e from my MIA best friend.. who I'd kind of given up on.. chalk that up to my being disposable by most accounts... But I have word at last, so I guess I still have her. Really, it's rather depressing to know that someone's friendship can mean [almost] more than that of the one you live with & pledge to spend your life with.. but it's complicated. I know positively in the back of my mind that he will leave, or force me to, because it always happens... for all my dreaming, I will get no happy ending. That, sadly, is not my story. Lousy to know for a fact that your life is destined to change, fall apart and rebuild... Thus the moniker "In Permanent Transition"... I think that I lost the one chance I had for a happy ever after. That was my mistake for not seeing it at the time.. Even more frustrating is my gift. I can see thru "doorways" between realities.

See, when you make a life-altering decision and move forward, that other life still exists, like separate paths in a labyrinth. You choose to step thru one door, but the other door remains and continues... Sometimes we are extremely lucky and, if you choose right, the life you're living may reconnect or intersect that other life you left behind and you get a second chance to make that decision. Not to say the other life is always better... but sometimes destiny tries more than once to steer us in a particular direction.

My gift is that I can see that parallel life. Usually, it's only upon looking back at something that I can see thru the "veil" of time that other life and where it leads, but very rarely I can see it spread before and choose one or the other. I am working to cultivate that ability... but I'm also not holding my breath. At this point, the best I have learned is never NEVER to question my instincts on things. If I have the feeling to do something, I must do that thing. If I flinch, it's already too late. My instincts may not always make sense, even to me, but if I know what to do then I do it without asking why? or if it's right, because if I stop to ask, or I'm too afraid my questions won't be answered, I will be punished by destiny, by fate. I will be taught a very hard lesson that shows quite plainly why I should have done what I was told.

My "gift" is frustrating because I think of Brian, or the ones before him, and I can see where our lives together will lead (or would have lead) and I can watch it similar to a movie, all smiles and love and glitter. But I know that in reality I will never have that life. See, when I look at a person, I don't see their body, their shell. Yes, I see them in the physical realm as another human being.. in that way, I see them. But when I communicate with someone, I communicate with them soul to soul. When I look at Brian (or when I looked at the ones before him) I see his spirit, his true self, and that is what I am in love with.. the painful part is that the world has already damaged that self and it's very unlikely, despite all my efforts, that I will get to enjoy a life of happiness with him and his true self.

And so I try to make things as good as possible while I have him, knowing that eventually the world will take him from me. I don't know why. I wish I did. I wish I understood why I am forced to endure a life of loneliness, never feeling secure. Never having the safety of even thinking "this time it will work".. why can't I at least have a lovely illusion to enjoy? Why do I have to struggle on knowing it won't work, it will never work? If I have to know it will go wrong, why not show me the way to the one that will work? or show me how to fix this one? What good is a gift if it doesn't help?

I'm so tired of being alone... Even when I'm with someone I am still alone.

02 January, 2006

Score 1 for me!

I actually managed to get the living room done on Friday... and all I had to do was forbid Brian to answer the phone or talk to any of his friends & tell him he couldn't go anywhere till it was done! O.o Living with him really can be like raising a teenager sometimes... LOL