Is the week over yet?! T_T

We got yet another boss at work... this one is Joe... yes, we already had one Joe, but this one isn't nearly as uptight.... He's kind of a cross between Shane & Justin, which isn't so much a good thing... Now, I was getting along with this Joe fairly well.. I was even half-suspecting he was flirting with me... then he heard me talking to Chris about my interviewing for the Activities Assistant job - which would be nice b/c it's still at the same facility, more hours, full time with benefits & all at $8/hour... so, Joe hears me mentioning this to Chris & he starts acting ????s & the last couple days he's just been a little prick, making me wanna stick a fork between his eyes.... >_<

And we got these new chemicals at work.. they feed directly into the water system for the washing machines.... the stuff is made of oxygen... but the smell it gives off... it doesn't really smell bad, but the scent is so strong I had a headache all day long at work today.. and I can hardly stand to sort the barrels coz the whole room smells so strong... and the clothes coming outta the washers just choke me... my throat is still killing me & I got off work at 3:30 this afternoon....

I need to go to bed & maybe it'll be better tomorrow... wait, I work with Anna this weekend. O.o Nevermind, then... no hope of it getting any better.......

Not in Our Name

"No election, whether fair or fraudulent, can legitimize criminal wars on foreign countries,

torture, the wholesale violation of human rights, and the end of science and reason."



Over the next week, the Not In Our Name statement will carry out an audacious project to puncture

the whole shameful celebration of war, greed, and intolerance that will surround the second

inauguration of the Bush regime.



Our aim is to publish across the nation a NEW statement of conscience (text below), signed by this

nation's recognized voices of conscience. Bush does not speak for us. He does not represent us. He

does not act in our name. And the whole world needs to hear that.



We want this statement to ring throughout all forms of media, and reach every part of the country.

In this country, free speech is very expensive. But think what a difference it will make if tens

of thousands of us contribute, and a few who are able contribute tens of thousands.



We have but four days left to raise the necessary funds. If you would like to see this statement

in the New York Times, the Washington Post, USA Today, San Francisco Chronicle and many others

large and small, then you need to go to Not In Our Name statement web site at www.nion.us, sign this

statement, and make your on-line contribution.



Together we can make this happen!



* * *



Not In Our Name



George W. Bush is about to be inaugurated for a second term as President of the United States. Let

it not be said that the people in the United States silently acquiesced in the face of this

shameful coronation of war, greed, and intolerance. He does not speak for us. He does not represent us.

He does not act in our name.



No election, whether fair or fraudulent, can legitimize criminal wars on foreign countries,

torture, the wholesale violation of human rights, and the end of science and reason.



In our name, the Bush government claims to justify the invasion and occupation of Iraq on baldly

false pretenses, raining down unspeakable destruction, horror, misery and death to as many as

100,000 people. It destroys entire cities in the name of so-called democratic elections, while

intimidating and disenfranchising tens of thousands of African-American voters at home. It holds an entire

nation hostage, forcing on its people torture, hunger, and unimaginable privation and humiliation.



In our name, it holds in contempt both international law and world opinion. It has carried out

torture and detentions without trial all over the world and proposes new assaults on our rights of

privacy, speech and assembly. It has already stripped the rights of Arabs, Muslims and South Asians

in the US, denying them legal counsel, holding them without cause, stigmatizing, and deporting

tens of thousands.



Could we have imagined a few years ago that core principles such as the separation of church and

state, due process, presumption of innocence, freedom of speech, and habeas corpus would be

discarded so easily? But under this government anyone can be declared an "enemy combatant" by

Presidential decree with no meaningful redress or independent review, by a President whose rationale for

concentrating power in the executive branch is "trust me." Its choice for Attorney General is the

legal architect of torture from Guantanamo to Afghanistan to Abu Ghraib.



As terrifying "trial balloons" are floated about invasions of Syria, or Iran, or North Korea,

about leaving the United Nations, about new "lifetime detention" policies, there is no telling what

further crimes this government will commit in our name against nations or individuals deemed to

stand in the way of its goal of unquestioned world supremacy.



The Bush government seeks to impose a narrow, intolerant, and political form of Christian

Fundamentalism as government policy. We must face the fact that this extremist movement is no longer on

the margins of society. It aims to strip women of their reproductive rights, to drive gay people

from public life back into the closet. It seeks to drive a wedge between spiritual experience and

scientific truth, smugly denying thousands of years of human scientific achievement.



We believe all people must be free to find meaning and sustenance in whatever form of religious or

spiritual belief they choose. But we will not surrender our right to think to extremists and the

President in whom they have their strongest ally. The Grand Canyon was not created by a biblical

flood. Women are not human incubators. Breast cancer is not retribution for having an abortion. AIDS

is not a punishment from God. Evolution happened. Religion can never be compulsory. This

government may claim to make its own reality, but we will not allow it to make ours.



Millions of us worked, talked, marched, poll watched, contributed, voted, did everything we could

to defeat the Bush regime in the last election. It was a massive effort, bringing forth new

energy, new organization, and new commitment to struggle for justice. It would be a terrible mistake to

let our failure to stop Bush in this way lead to despair and inaction. On the contrary, this broad

mobilization of people committed to a fairer world, a freer world, a more peaceful world must move

forward. We cannot, we will not, wait until 2008. The fight against the second Bush regime has to

start now.



The movement against the war in Vietnam never won a presidential election. But it blocked troop

trains, closed induction centers, marched, spoke to people door to door -- and it helped to stop a

war. The Civil Rights Movement never tied its star to a presidential candidate; it sat in, freedom

rode, fought legal battles, filled jailhouses -- and it changed the face of a nation.



We must change the political reality of this country by mobilizing the tens of millions who know

in their heads and hearts that the Bush regime's "reality" is nothing but a nightmare for humanity.

This will require courage and creativity, mass actions and individual moments of courage. We must

come together whenever we can, and we must act alone whenever we have to. This will require

extraordinary acts from ordinary people.



We give our love and support to the soldiers who have refused to fight in this immoral war, and we

pledge to create community that backs courageous acts of resistance. We applaud the librarians who

have refused to turn over lists of our reading, the high school students who demand to be taught

evolution, those who brought to light torture by the U.S. military, and the massive protests that

voiced international opposition to the war on Iraq. We stand with the tens of millions of people

throughout the world who fight every day for the right to create their own future.



It is our duty to stop the Bush regime from carrying out this disastrous course. We believe

history will judge us sharply should we fail to act decisively.





Among the initial signers are:



Janet Abu-Lughod, professor emerita, New School



Michael Albert



Edward Asner



Michael Avery, president, National Lawyers Guild



Rosalyn Baxandall, chair, American Studies/Media and Communications, State University of New York

at Old Westbury



William Blum, author, US foreign policy



Judith Butler, author and professor, University of California at Berkeley



Daniel Ellsberg, former Defense and State Department official



Jorie Graham, Harvard University



Abdeen M. Jabara, past president, American-Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee



C. Clark Kissinger, Refuse & Resist!



Staughton Lynd



Reynaldo F. Mac¡as, chair, National Association for Chicana & Chicano Studies



Robin Morgan, author and activist



Jill Nelson, writer



Rosalind Petchesky, Distinguished Professor of Political Science, Hunter College & the Graduate

Center - CUNY



Jeremy Pikser, screenwriter (Bulworth)



Michael Ratner, president, Center for Constitutional Rights



Matthew Rothschild, editor, The Progressive magazine



Luc Sante, writer



Naomi Wallace



Howard Zinn, historian



* * *



You may sign this statement at http://www.nion.us/READ_AND_SIGN.htm. You may also e-mail your

name, how you would like to be identified and your state of residence to sign@nion.us. (Personal

contact information will not be shared or utilized for any other purpose.)

Movie Review: Phantom of the Opera

OMG! It was positively riveting... This was a strange & wonderfull experience for me because I had to watch a taped version of the play in choir (which I believe not was not the ALW version- wHat WaS tHaT TeaChER tHiNKinG?!?!?!?) & I really didn't care for it at all, so for all these years the magic of the Phantom has been lost on me..... ;_; But I went West with my very dear friends yesterday to see it and was completely struck by it.... before we watched the movie we'd discussed catching a double feature since I so rarely get to the movies, but afterwards I had to say that would have been unfair to any other movie we may have seen... I don't know what could hold it's own against that...

Gerard Butler was seductive genius as the Phantom.. sexy, painful, tortured, beloved... enrapturing entirely... The girl who played Christine is someone I've never seen, as was the actor who played Raoul, but both were fantastic! The singing, the emotion, the pain.... many actresses cannot believably convince you of the tangle & confusion of a love like Christine has for these two men... but she was just splendid... Raoul was sweet & beautifull... I could listen to him sing all day.....

There are few movies with a love story like this where you aren't left believing the poor girl made the right or wrong choice between these two men she loved so deeply... but I cannot fault her for choosing Raoul, but I would have supported her for choosing the Phantom as well... 'Tis truly a tragic love story, as there is no way to be completely happy with either choice... this is a love that will haunt you all your life, no matter what you choose....

So long.....

Gee, aren't I the naughty little non-blogger... shame on me... pity I don't have someone to encourage or inspire me... honestly, with the mood I've been in lately I wouldn't have had anything worth reading anyhow... so it's probly better I don't blog in those sorts of moods...

Proud of me, tho, for finishing a Harry/Ron Yule fanart I drew as a gift for Dani, my very dearest bestest ever friend.... since she kept complaining Harry/Ron fanarts were impossible to find.. now if I can just get her to scan it so I can share it with the webbyworld..... >_<

Sitting here eating Xmas cookies my momma made me & wishing I had a car or the weather wasn't so lousy so that my beloved friends could come visit... or I could go visit them... man, what a month we've had round herre.. Had the power & heat shut off by the minions of Satan (otherwise known as NIPSCO) & the van finally went too far (or wouldn't go anywhere) & we scrapped it... some dude is buying the hunk of crappola for parts.. whatever... so we didn't have a very good Xmas & nobody else had much money so it was a pretty cheapo & crappy Xmas all around.. the kids enjoyed what they got & that's what really matters, right? Right?!?!?!?

Well, actually, we did get the ROTK Extended version hot off the shelves from our fabo friends.. they also gave Brian a gorgeous 43"x31" wallscroll of the girls from Final Fantasy X2 & I got a very pretty poster of the Saiyuki boys (THEY FOUND ONE WITH HOMURA *drool*) which promptly evicted Orlando from the bedroom wall.. and they bought me Gavin DeGraw's CD, so I can listen to "I Don't Wanna Be" a dozen times a day... and I discovered another song of his "Follow Through" that I'd seen a couple times on VH1 & loved! but didn't know it was him who sang it, so now I have that too.... I guess Xmas wasn't a total loss.. my parents tried very hard & my sister bought me stuff which might make me cooler- that's her thing, that's what she does... but that's ok. I got to spend the holiday with Brian & my family & that's what really matters to me. I got to watch the kids jumpin around going insane over every thing they opened...

Thank god Xmas is over.


I'm beating myself about the head with a stick trying to finish one last gift. It's an art project (of sorts) that I'm working on for a friend & I've been having just the worst time with it.. I can't seem to dredge up the happy inspiration to work on it thru the heinous mood & sinking depressiong I've been fighting with lately..... If you're reading this, I swear I will finish it... it's coming.. really.........

Issues...

whatever is the matter with me lately.. grant you, I've been thru a seriously lousy, scrappy bit of time & space the last month or so what with losing power & heat for a week then losing our van... now I hafta walk... see what I mean... all I seem to wanna do is be angry, irritated, spiteful & ranty. Frankly, I'm getting quite sick of myself... and I know it's taking a toll on Brian, bless him...

I just dunno what to do with myself, how to climb back outta my dark, chasmic bleak little cave of cranky....

Friends make a bad day better

Brian called me at work earlier today & I told him what a lousy day I'd been having.. so I said I'd like him to stay home with me tonite rather than running off to play at a friend's house.. and, of course, he agreed.

I'd been off work just a couple minutes when Dani & Frankie showed up (not really un-announced b/c they had written me an offline message saying they were coming - I just hadn't been on the compy to see this message ^_^) So here they are, just when I needed something to brighten my day.. funny how friends just know sometimes when they're needed...

I think today is going to be a good day..

despite the snow outside.. boy will Mom be irratable at dinner tonite...

Brian went off early this morning to start a job with his friend, Rex, so that will help with bills and Christmas... I am so proud of him sometimes. Yes, he can be quite the pain at times, but there are moments when I am overcome with his sweetness and caring... He sometimes reminds me of a certain Brian from a TV show I like, in that he is often harsh or rough around the edges and at times doesn't seem to care about anyone but himself (sometimes not even himself), but if you come to know him and love him you begin to understand he loves you back in his own time and in his own "Brian" way.

Yesterday I drove to Mishawaka to visit my only friends (how I wished they lived closer... and I could see them everyday).. I took a wrong turn at my exit and ended up hopelessly lost and in the wrong towne... Goddess bless the girl at the 7-11 who gave me very simple and easy directions to get back to where I was sposeta be... When I finally arrived, a bit frazzled from the trip, but happy to see my dear friends, we watched cartoons (we're such grownups LOL) then went out to "Thanksgiving" dinner at the Cracker Barrell. Since we will not be able to spend the holiday together, they took me out to dinner so our little family could have our own holiday. When they asked me after dinner what was I thankful for, I didn't even really hafta think before I said "Family and friends, and a happy home." It's funny, Mike was there and they pointed out to him that when they'd asked him he'd said he couldn't say that because it was "cheesy and stupid", I guess because that's what people on sitcoms, etc. always say on their Thanksgiving episode, but how could it be cheesy and stupid if it's the honest truth. For the first time in my life I am free of any false friendships which pin me into a little persona and people who don't truly understand me.. I am in love and can look forward to really spending the rest of my life with someone who loves me back just as much, and I am so thankfull for both.

To the outside world, Brian may seem difficult, and I suppose he is, but I have had to many false lovers and broken hearts in my life... I loved Brian from our first date because he was himself. He never pretended to be a knight in shining armour or Mr. Wonderfull, or my fantasy guy or any of that. He was just Brian, faults and all, and that's exactly what I was looking for. From day one, he has been c0mpletely himself, and I have had the freedom, for the first time ever in any relationship, to be just me. We don't have to pretend to like what the other likes, but we listen and pay attention when the other talks about it - him and his music, video games, magic cards & I will try to be interested in what he's showing me and be excited for him when he defeats that bad guy I've heard him cursing and screaming at in the other room for the last 2 days; me with my stupid cute-boy obsessions, interior decorating, scrapbooks and he lets me hang posters of Orlando Bloom on our bedroom walls, re-decorate the house with all my stupid girly stuff and bright colours, and he'll drive me to the recycling centre for more magazines and never spoil my happy craziness as I cut them up and leave paper shreds everywhere... Never once has he said "Don't you have enough of that crap?!" And I could not love him more, but yet I do everyday. To outsiders, it may seem he's spoiled because he's always got new Magic cards or a new video game or whatever and he never buys me anything, but if there's something I want, he never says I can't have it. It doesn't seem one-sided to me because I don't really want that much. When I do really want something, I get it, but mostly I just want to be here, in our lousy little apt. with him. That to me is home, and that's all I need. Just him.

And my friends.. some would consider it a lonely life to stay home all the time and only have 2 (3?) friends in world, but these are friends I've known for years, who've watched my change and grow and become someone completely different than I was when they met me and they've been there at every turn to support this new version of me, never questioning my goals or reasons, never raising a hand to hold me back where they thought I was and everything is the same and makes sense. Is it these 2 friends who've opened many experiences to me and helped me to discover new things and new aspects of myself.. It is these 2 friends who will drive an hour from Mishawaka to buy me lunch before I go to work, then drive an hour back home.... when people who I thought were my friends lived in the same towne and couldn't make time for me because of my work schedule. So very true that it is in our actions and not in our deeds that we prove who we truly are...


Yes, outside it is snowing, but for me today, it's like the fluffly frosting on my happy little corner of the world....

A few noticable additions

Hopefully no one is terribly offended by the stoopid ugly banners you see above.. they serve a useful purpose or I wouldn't subject my pretty blog to their ickness.... They are supposed to drive more viewers to my blog and get me more attention.... and I love attention....

There is also a little Site Meter thingy that upsates me on how much traffic my site gets... but if it starts to depress me when I realise I really am the only one who comes here... I may kill it.... lol

..:What's your psychological problem?:..

Apathetic. You my apathetic friend, you should care
more about your life, right?


..:What's your psychological problem?:.. ( Anime Pictures )
brought to you by Quizilla

Thou shalt not kill......

"'We kill at every step, not only in wars, riots, and executions. We kill when we close our eyes to poverty, suffering, and shame. In the same way all disrespect for life, all hard-heartedness, all indifference, all contempt is nothing else than killing. With just a little witty skepticism we can kill a good deal of the future in a young person. Life is waiting everywhere, the future is flowering everywhere, but we only see a small part of it and step on much of it with our feet.'

- Hermann Hesse, German poet and novelist.

Source: Daily Dig"

Victory and defeat

I weep for the world... the election is decided and they handed it to Bush.. I say handed it to him because I seriously doubt that he honestly won this election with as many people as he has dissappointed, offended, enraged, angered.. There's no way that the American people voted an uber-xtian, prejudice, anti-gay, pro-war president back in to run the country...

I shudder to think what will become of our country in his next four years.... and I can think of at least two Americans who'll be looking for apartments in Canada...

Birth

Birth

OMG! The trailer took forever to DL from the site (b/c I have the demonic dial-up) but it was SOOO worth waiting for!! Nicole Kidman just keeps getting better & whoever the kid is, he's gonna be a star!! I'm blown away by the trailer for this one & I WILL NOT miss it when it comes out!!!

starting over......

"One song can spark a moment
One flower can wake a dream
One tree can start a forest
One bird can herald spring
One smile can bring friendship
One hand clasp lifts a soul
One star can guide a ship at sea
One word can frame a goal
One vote can change a nation
One sunbeam can light a room
One candle wipes out darkness
One laugh can conquer doom
One step must start each prayer
One hope will raise spirits
One touch can show you care
One voice can speak with wisdom
One heart can know what's true
One life can make a difference
You see it's up to you!

Author unknown"



I don't remember where I got that, I just know it merits sharing....

Anyways, I've decided that I'm stifled by stoopid Yahoo and their limits on Yahoo Groups. They work well for some things, but I've jsut got too damn many pics and I'm filling them up at warp speed.. so I'm gonna try working on my webpages again for the 1st time in what seems like years... it actually might be.....

We'll see how it goes...

When it rains.. it pours...

serein_03: Holy Crap!!!

the end of the world...

October 13th, 2004

As I leave the hotel in the morning, I buy something to eat on the way and I’m heading to the end of the world.

It is sunny and warm. I take a towel with me - just in case I’ll find a sandy beach to sit on…
The road to the end of the world passes through Finesterre and climbs up and up about 3 km away from the village.

On the way up, on the side of the road, gazing into the sea, hundreds of meters down - I find a girl I met before on the camino.
I join her, and we watch, for a while, the waves breaking onto the rocky shore.

The wind gets stronger, clouds are forming above us, and we choose to continue our climb up to the end of the world. On the way, we look for a path that goes down to the shore.
After a few futile tries to go down some goat’s paths, we find one that leads all the way to a huge rock in the water.
We sit silently on the rock for a long while, gazing into the turquoise water, waving to passing fishermen…

When the wind threaten to blow us into the sea and the rain starts, we climb up again - to the road that leads to the end of the world.

The end of the world turns out to be a huge cliff above the water. There’s no more land beyond it - only water.
On the top of the cliff there’s a big stone cross marking the place where, traditionally, the pilgrims that finish in Finesterre burn their walking shoes and clothes to symbolize getting rid of the past and opening to a new beginning…

I’ve heard about the ritual, but until this moment, I didn’t realize that the place is here.

I brought nothing with me to burn. Not even my green plastic lighter - to light a fire with.

I’ve participated in a few rituals like this in the past (once almost burning my house, when the ritual got too intense…). Each one of these rituals was very powerful, and I am sorry for not preparing myself for this one…

As an answer to my sorry thoughts, the rain gets stronger and the wind blows so strong, I need to hold to a rock, not to fall and roll down…
This, at least, relaxes me a bit. I realize that there’s no way I could light a fire now… so, probably it isn’t my time yet…

Instead, I stand on a rock, watching the endless sea below me, letting my hair go, and asking the wind and the rain to purify me.

I don’t know for how long I stand like this, but when I wake up from my trance - I am so cold, I can hardly move, and my hair is so messy I can hardly see.

We go down, back to Finesterre and the sky gives everything it has. It is pouring rain. The wind matures to a storm. I’m so happy again. I spread my arms, looking up to the sky, letting the rain and the wind do what they have to do…

When we get to the village we’re looking for an open café to have a cup of hot chocolate. But, it’s siësta time and everything is closed.

After a hot bath in my room, I fall asleep for a while.

When I wake up I think of going back tomorrow to the end of the world and burn what I need to burn…

I’m thinking - what is it that I need to get rid of, to transform, to change… so I can burn tomorrow a symbol of it…
As hard as I try, I can’t find anything worth getting rid of…
Stubbornly, I keep looking, when a phone rings inside my mind…

“WHAT?", I bark on the disturbing caller.
“What if there is nothing to change?", asks the voice on the other side.
“Who are you?", I ask angrily the voice.
“God", he answers.
“So what do you want?", I’m still pissed off.
“What if there’s noting to change?", God asks again.
“Of course there is!", I answer.
There’s silence on the other side.
“I’m working consciously on transforming myself for the last 20 years. I’m preaching about transformation for almost as many years. And believe me, even after all these years - there’s still a lot to do…", I continue.
“What if there’s nothing to change?", God asks again. This time, something in his tone of voice catches my attention.
“Then what is the purpose of my life?", I ask.
“What is the purpose of a tree?", asks God back.
“To grow", I answer, trying hard not to listen to my own words…
“And when it is already big, what is its purpose then?", asks God patiently.
“To grow", I answer again…
“And where does the tree grows to?", asks God.
“To the light!", I answer, as a soft, big sun rises up in my consciousness…

I, suddenly, feel peaceful and calm, as I never felt before.
There are no more questions in me.
There is no need for an answer.
When I remember to thank God for this conversation, there is no one on the other side.
I guess he had another call to attend to…

An old pilgrim told me a few weeks ago, “it’s not why you do the camino, but what for. And you’ll know the answer when you’ve arrived.”

Well, I had to go to the end of the world to realize that my purpose in life is not to change or transform, but to grow towards the light. Like a tree…

It’s time to become more like a tree.

A tree doesn’t try to become an animal or a rock, not even another sort of tree.
A tree is just there. With its strength, its shade, its fruits…
A tree doesn’t run after anyone to convince them to rest in its shade or eat from its fruits. Yet it is always there - for those who wish to enjoy its shade and fruits.

It’s time to become more like the tree that is patience and wise. Knowing that after the winter, comes always the spring. And after the fall, there are new leaves, then flowers, then fruits, and then the fall again…

More like the tree that is determined - digging its roots deeper and deeper into the nourishing earth. Keeps growing towards the light… keeps growing…

Only later I realize that this understanding was there all the time during the camino. Yet somehow, I missed it till now…

So many times, the question “what if there is no need to change?” popped up again and again in my mind. And I ignored it or shoved it aside.

And my daily intention “open my heart", which kept on popping up, although it didn’t fit what I thought was “appropriate"… That’s the being of a tree. It isn’t pushing anyone, nor running after anyone, convincing them to sit in its shade or eating its fruits. Yet, it is there open hearted, unconditionally giving anyone who comes its shade and fruits… Open my heart…

I see my words and books as my fruits… I still wonder what is my shade, what is this presence I have or still need to grow…
Time would tell…

I feel quiet now. At peace.
Like a tree…

…

In one of the first days of my camino, a priest in one of the churches asked me where did I start and how long am I going to walk to Santiago…
I answered that I’ve started a few days ago in St. Jean Pied de Port and I have about 40 days to complete my camino.

He said, “Jesus walked in the desert for 40 days… it’s a good number.”

“I hope it won’t take me that long.", I answered.

As I finish my dinner and walk along the small harbor, on the way back to my hotel room, I realize… today is the 13th of October - my 40th day on the camino…

No coincidence really…

Motivation2Go Blog


***********

I am always amazed when I read this man's journal.. sad to think it may end.. I am hoping, praying he will continue to speak even tho the journey that made the journal has ended.

Silly me...

It's been quite a while since I've blogged... bad Tabby!! Great, now I have guilt... lol... I guess there just hasn't been all that much going on in my world lately... Since I switched to day shift, I have so much time off I've just been kinda enjoying the extra time and vegging out a bit.. I have been working on a few things... I got the cover for the Schwoopie calendar inked.. now to colour it. I've been working on my daybook & fighting with the scanner. The pages scan pretty lousy because it's a pre-bound sketchbook type book that I made it in, so I'm gonna hafta redraw the pictures for the pages and then scan them & colour them with the paint program, but that's ok.. Gives me more to do (just what I needed!).... And I'm typing my BOS into my compy, so I can get things more organised in it... which is buffering my spirituality issues. Recording my pages and info I've saved is a slow way of easing back into the magick, since I've been neglecting (avoiding?) it for so long... bad Tabby, I know! But that' s why I'm starting slow...

What the teenagers know.....

It seems so odd... when you come over things never go the way we hope... but then, if you think about it.. maybe we're trying too hard... I think so, yes, I think the two of you (and you know I adore you both) try to hard to have to do something when you come over.. like you need to entertain me... like just you isn't enough, just your loving-friend presence isn't enough, like I'll think you're boring or no fun if we just hang out and talk or listen to music & art around the house... But all that means so much .... I dunno if I can explain.. I don't need to be entertained.. don't need you to be or do anything when you come to my house... You came to my house! You drove an hour in crappy traffic, construction & total blithering idiots all around you just to spend time with me... That means so much.. You took the time to come see me when you coulda just stayed home in your comfy little arthouse & done your own thing...you made room in your day for me...

And you presence is enough.. your presence means so much... Dani more than anyone should know that... (if she still remembers the me she met so long ago...) The most meaningfull thing to me is spending time with people I love, even if we're both just sitting in the same room... even if we barely say 3 whole sentences to each other...

I think so many people forget how important just the simplest contact with the rest of the world, but especially with people who love you, can mean.... Everyone seems set on having to do something.. no one just hangs out anymore... no one knows how to just spend time in one another's presence....

The world could do well to learn this one simple lesson from the throngs of slacker teenagers, sitting around together just hanging out & doing nothing.. and that's all they need.


All my love to you!!

8 Ways To Maintain A Positive Attitude

1. Become mindful of your thoughts and let them occur without judgment. As

you recognize self-limiting beliefs and feelings, eliminate them by focusing

on positive thoughts about the present and future.



2. The author Charles Dickens advised, "Reflect upon your present blessings,

of which every man has many - not on your past misfortunes, of which all men

have some." Don't brood over mistakes, carry grudges, or harbor hate.



My, My.. how much happier and more fulfilled life would seem if we transferred the time we

spend on "woulda, coulda, shouldas" to thinking about how many good things we have going

for us right now & how much we truly have....



3. Worrying is a wasted effort and the breeding ground of doubt. It will

lead you to contemplate potential losses rather than effective solutions. The

antidote to worry is positive action.



4. Adversity comes to each of us in time. Expecting rather than dreading

this adversity can make challenging periods seem less daunting and will allow you

to accept that you possess the strength to conquer each obstacle as you have

conquered obstacles in your past.



5. Assume that hidden in every setback there is a lesson. Consciously choose

to think of the challenges you face in a positive way: as a learning

experience, an opportunity to demonstrate your strengths, or the first step

on a new path.



6. Think about what you desire, not what you fear. Visualize future

successes with the belief that you will achieve them, and then take action. When you

are working diligently toward a goal, there will not be time to ponder the

obstacles.



7. When negative thoughts and feelings threaten to overwhelm you, take a

"time out" and do something that makes you happy. Letting yourself be swept

away in a favorite activity or meditation will inspire well-being.



What is the one thing you can always count on to cheer you up...?  Hold it close to your heart

when things look their bleakest.. then take that happy thing and immerse yourself in its joy.

Use it to drown the little negative monster till you can't hear its endless chattering.



8. Be confident that no matter what adversity you face, you will be strong

enough to remain positive and optimistic. Knowing that there is no obstacle

you cannot overcome will give you that strength.

Y'know, I hardly know what to do with myself with all this extra time now that I'm working days.... I can spend so much more time with Brian, which I'm definitely enjoying... and now I'm not such an evil greedy girlfriend needing him to be home all the time.. See, when I was working nights, I felt like I never say him, so I got very upset and depressed when he wanted to go off and play with his friends, but now that I have more time with him, I don't mind so much.. ^_^

I have more time to do all the things that need done around the house, but I haven't had much energy lately to do them.. I'll build it back up soon, I'm sure!!^_~

And also, I have time to just enjoy sitting around the house listening to musick and working on art projects much procrastinated upon... HURRAY!!

What are you feeding?

An old Indian told his grandson about the fight that was going on in his inside.
“Son, it is a fight between two wolfs. One is called anger, jealousy, regret, arrogance, self pity, doubt, lying en egoism. The other one is called joy, peace, love, hope, rest, humility, friendliness, truth and loyalty."
The grandson asks, “... and grandfather, who is going to win?”
And the old Indian answers, “The wolf that I feed."

Do Something!

You might not like this…

September 23rd, 2004

It’s 4 AM. I’m awake and talking to you.

Whenever I get the chance I read the comments posted by those who read this page.
I never responded before, but there’s something I need to share with you…

There’s a purpose for me going through the trouble of sharing myself with you in this very intense journey for me.

• I don’t write this page to pump up my ego. I enjoy reading your comments about your appreciation and love, but this is not my purpose.
• I don’t write this page to give you an intellectual or emotional entertainment.
• I don’t write this page to give you something to talk about.

I don’t care if you like what I write or you hate it or it bores you to death. I don’t care if you think I’m a great person or an ass hole.

I go through the trouble of looking everyday for an Internet café, so you can have a fresh and alive thought or insight, hoping with all my heart that something I write would move you to act.

I don’t care if my words touches you or move you to tears. My only purpose is that my words would move you to act.

I’m trying to give you a sense of the camino without the blisters and the bee stings. But you still need to walk your walk - have your own personal blisters, experience your own personal sunshines.

This is not a sophisticated gossip column or an ongoing paparazzi story.

When conceiving this page, I was looking for a new way to bring people to more awareness of their own life, moving them to take action in their own life, creating a better life for themselves and others.

And yet, it seems… that people still read about…

Knowing I lost many of my readers already, I’m risking loosing some more…
Hey, how about taking something from what you read. Something that feels right. And instead of nodding in agreement… go and do something about it.

Do you realize that you can TODAY meet a total stranger, that even speak a different language than yours, and open your heart to him or her…? Don’t think so? How about your teenage kid? How about your parents? Did you ever asked them what their dreams are? What their vision is? What are their fears? And did you ever sit to listen? Did you ever shared yours?

How about today?

I’d love to hear these stories in the comments!

How about knocking on your neighbor door, right now, asking if there’s anything you can do to make their day a better day?

When you see their surprised/shocked experience explain them it’s “happy neighbor day"!

If you find anything in my words that inspires you - go and do it.

When I read 15 years ago in Richard Bach’s book Illusions, “Live never to be ashamed if anything you say or do is published around the world, even if what is said is not true. ” and that day I stopped lying.

As soon as I finished reading Paulo Coelho’s, “the Alchemist” - I developed a new training - “the Flow".

After I gave my first One Experience training I asked my old teacher what should I study now. He said, “stop studying and start teaching, writing, spreading the word…” Since that day I never stopped writing…

I’m nobody special. I eat and shit and fuck just like you. I smell like hell after walking all day. And after a shower and a long rest, I can be really friendly and fun to be with…

Just like you…

Looking forward to hear about YOU…

With all my love, Nisandeh

******

I could not begin to explain what I'm gathering from this man's journey..... I found this site from a newsletter, one of so many I receive, and I've sat here this morning reading every entry.... I chose to share this one with you, in particular, because it says soemthing I think is so important. It reminds us that this man is an ordinary, everyday person, just like you or me. You don't have to be some unreachable, untouchable hand of the divine to teach, to have meaning, to inspire. You, me, anyone can be a leader. ANyone can make a difference in their own way.. and you should. No one has a reason to do nothing. Even the smallest, most invisible, disabled creature can effect the course of the universe...

Be Something!

Tabitha )O(

the answer

// The evening is an interesting experience with a bubbly girl from Uruguay. She told me about the lion in all the templar churches. Its role is to keep a secret. And he looks to the direction of the secret it is keeping. Usually it looks to a place on the wall or in the ceiling.
In the last church I visited, the lion was looking straight at me…
Now I got the message where to start looking…

I told an old Brazilian pilgrim, that is walking the camino for the fourth time, about my question “why walk?” and he answered, “The question is not ‘why?’The question is ‘what for?’and the answer to this question you always find at the end…”

And with this happy note, I suggest you think about it…
Because it’s not only about the camino… //

taken from the Motivation2Go weblog, where Nisandeh is documenting his pilgrimage

Interesing.... people think you must have a reason to make such sacred journeys over many many miles, but even someone who is doesn't know really why he is.... The old man who's journeying for the fourth time tells him the answer is always at the end... Sometimes you must take the chance without knowing in the beginning what it will get you. It speaks to you.... something makes you take that first step... you have to be willing to walk the path before you without knowing where it will lead you...

What is the point?

It is only when we silent the blaring sounds of our daily existence that we can finally hear the whispers of truth that life reveals to us, as it stands knocking on the doorsteps of our hearts.

K.T. Jong

***************************

Discovering Your True Self

Many people are on a quest seeking to discover whether God exists, what happens to us after death, and what the purpose of humanity is. Few people, however, are asking the most important question of all: "Who or what am I?" What good are the answers to the other questions if we don't even know who or what we are? Most of us are asleep. We're zombies. We exist, but don't live. We see, but don't watch. We hear, but don't listen. We speak empty words and eat without tasting. We rush on our way without feeling the wind on our face, the sun on our arms, and the grass beneath our feet. Why chase after life-after-death when we ignore life-before-death? Why do we pass through life unaware of the greatest treasure of all, our True Self?

© Chuck Gallozzi

***************************

To the question of your life you are the answer, and to the problems of your life you are the solution.

Joe Cordare

***************************

above quotes swiped from newletter
SpiritualSisters of the Internet Cafe
www.spiritualsisters.com

SO many people run to therapists, paying them hundreds of $$ and hour to tell them what's wrong with them... but if you think about it, what so therapists actually do? 1) They prescribe drugs to make it go away. 2) They ask you questions (really no different than a good friend could do) & make you talk about how you feel, etc. etc. & it's really you who figures out in the end where your problem lies, isn't it?

People are always turning to self-help books and psychs wanting them to fix it. They can't. *THWACK* Hello people! You are the only one who can change you! I've read countless self-help books & they can be very helpfull, yes, but not if you think "oh, I'll read this and it will explain everything. It will tell me what's wrong with me & how to quit it & then everything will be perfect..." WRONG!! The way self-help books (BTW: They are called "self-help" books, not "magick fix everything" books!) have helped me is by reading thru things, paying attention to what it's saying, sometimes re-reading them many times, and keeping a journal about what I think & feel while I'm reading the book. They are a tool you can use to help yourself! But they can't do it for you. And neither can some fucking shrink, unless you just want a zombie pill to take 3 times a day so you don't have to feel anything & therefore don't have to deal with anything.

I, myself, have a chemical imbalance. It runs in my family. (I'm just explaining something here, BTW. I hate people who say "Well, it runs in my family, so it's not my fault" and I guess they think that makes it ok to be a total ass because of it- sorry, but NO.) But I can't stand to take pills & such & I've been to a therapist who was useless, completely useless, so I read, I analyze, I pay attention to the world around me & try to be very observant. I learned a very simple, but very effective, lesson from The Dalai Lama's Guide to Happiness: Find the things that make you feel happy & feel good & encourage more of those in your life. Realize the things that make you unhappy, make you feel bad, feel angry or negative, and remove them from your life or, if it's something you can't escape, find a way to lessen it's prominence in your daily environment. It's, as I said, a very simple lesson, but it's amazing how many people just don't think about something like that.... if you are coming in contact with something the always makes you un-happy... stay away from it.... so simple....

Yes, I have bad days.. but I work thru them & do not use my mental problems as a crutch or an excuse not to function or use them as a reason it's ok to be a spaz or a total brat. You can have a normal life & a happy life. You just have to make an actual effort and stop expecting the world to work for you or work around you.

***************************

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Add the word SUBSCRIBE in the subject line.

THE MAYONNAISE JAR AND COFFEE

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar...and the coffee...

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, " I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things-your God, family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions-things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car.The sand is everything else-the small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal." Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend." Please share this with someone you care about. Have a blessed day!!!

*********

It's fairly likely you've already read this somewhere, but there are certain things I feel are significant enough in their message so as to merit repeating... And some people have to have something sent about a dozen times or more before they realise "Gee, maybe I should read this..."


It was a busy nite round my house this last one... Brian and I found a couple beautifull chest of drawers the other evening that some schmuck had thrown out & totally trashed. He rebuilt one back as a dresser (which proved to be more handy than I inititially realised, because emptying the olde one caused me to get rid of some things I never wear & reorganize my dressers in a more usefull manner - yeah me!) & it's actually got bout 3 more drawers than I use, so Hallelujah! more storage!! The other dresser he's rebuilding to use as a kitchen hutch with 2 drawers in the bottom & a couple shelves. That ones proving to be more of a problem because the drawers don't go all the way across the inside & he's having trouble making shelves out of them. Anyhow, tho, so we moved the office all around- and I mean all around- last nite after what had already been a very hectic day... We were both very tired & I just managed to get the bed cleared off before I crashed and he still hadda stay up for a bit to hook things up.

So now there's much more space in the office... The recliner's been moved up in the room by the window, so company isn't so far away against the back wall... it's just much better. Hopefully tonite while I'm at work he'll get the hutch finished & we can do the kitchen tonite (man does it need it!!)

1st Day of Fall!!

I have all this pain inside.... and I can't even cry. I can't cry. I've cried so much... I need to. I need something to release, to let out what I feel, but there's nothing. The tears don't come anymore. The pain just just sits in my chest like a big black lump, heave and dead.
I though I'd patched things up with Ty, but apparently I was right (when will I ever learn to listen to my instincts!!!) right to think that the Universe was trying to keep me from going to see her. Fuck. We were fine. We had a great time hanging out the one night... then I come home this morning (the day didn't start out well - I was in the middle of washing my hair when the little man turned the water off & I hadda go to Mom's to rinse out my hair & borrow the $80 to get it turned back on). But so I came home from that & Brian says she droppes off a letter. I read it. She read the email I sent in reply to Charity's and no longer wants to be my friend. She's angry for what I said about Julie and I'm not sure what else.... she wasn't very clear. Just saying I am not "honest" as I claim to be. That I have said hurtful things and for no real reason.
Next time I think the Universe is trying to tell me something, I will listen. I'm so tired of the pain....

This has become one of my favourite songs lately:

I Meant To

by Brad Cotter

Things get in the way
The rush of everyday
Ordinary stuff we all get into
Wouldn't it be sad, if all you ever had
was a granite epitaph that said 'I meant to'


So any pretty woman I didn't take the time to kiss
Any crazy thing I didn't do, 'I meant to'

Any dirty liar I didn't stare right in the eye
and make him tell the naked truth, 'I meant to'

I'm always on the run some things get lost some get done
But if I didn't have all the fun I meant to, 'I meant to'

And if I never came out and said to each and everyone I love, how much I really do, 'I meant to'



Maybe this one chance
Is all we really have
Maybe all you got, is what you get to
Well I ain't gonna cry
I'll give it my best try
Then kiss the world goodbye and say 'I meant to'

So any pretty woman I didn't take the time to kiss
Any crazy thing I didn't do, 'I meant to'

Any dirty liar I didn't stare right in the eye
and make him tell the naked truth, 'I meant to'

I'm always on the run some things get lost some get done
But if I didn't have all the fun I meant to, 'I meant to'

And if I never came out and said to each and everyone I love, how much I really do, 'I meant to'

I meant to
I meant to


I thinks it's just beautifull. Of course, I watched Nashville Star this season, but only because Matt Lindahl caught my eye channel surfing one night. He was my guy, the one I wanted to win, but they treated him like a joke because he was a little more Roger Miller than Tim McGraw and he didn't win ;_; .... It wasn't till I heard "I meant to" on the radio that I even knew who did win (once they voted Matt off I changed the channel). I recognized the song because Brad performed it on the show. Yes, I do feel a little pang of guilt for loving the song because, technically, he's the enemy... but I think Matt would understand....

*****************

Movie Review: The VIllage

The movie (in case you live under a rock) is about a small village of people who live in a clearing surrounded by woods. Their is a fenced border around the town to remind people not to go into the woods because "those we do not speak of" live in the woods. The villagers have a truce between them & the creatures, but suddenly things start to happen....

As soon as I saw the trailer I was already there.. but I didn't get to see it in the theatre.. and then I started hearing mixed reviews. A couple friends said it was really good, others said it "made no sense" and complained that you never even see the monster and the ending's stupid. After watching the movie, here's my view:

The movie does move a little slowly, but there's enough interest and plot to keep me watching. It renewed my enamourment of Joaquin Phoenix (WHY ISN'T HE IN MORE MOVIES??!?!?). His character is very smart & quiet, gentle. But he is also brave in a "for the good of the village" sort of way rather than the beyond human heroes we've been inundated with as of late. Don't get me wrong, I love heroes, but it's nice to have a healthy reminder once in a while that there are also courageous people who do the unbelievable simply because it's what is the right thing to do.... I thought the movie made perfect sense if you payed attention, but the secret really will get you when you discover it... As for the "monster" you do see it & I dunno what the hell he was talking about- not that that really matters to anyone with intelligence... And the ending is not stupid, it leaves you thinking. I, personally like movies like that, but it's a bit much for some people to have to think.. I guess.. It's not the kind of movie you'd really watch more than once, but I'd definitely recommend seeing it. Definitely.

****************

An update on projects in the works:

I've decided to launch my own business. I will, of course, remain "on staff" at Instant Infamy, but I have other projects I want to work on & other wonderfull things I want to share with the world, so I'm going to start working on some new things, mostly based on my happy & beloved "Shwoopie People". The first project is a wall calendar, which I will be starting soon. Later will come t-shirt designs, notebooks, maybe a day-planner style calendar.... I've got a lot brewing upstairs now that I have a starting point! Stay tuned for more updates...

Now, I know my bf loves me & all my parts.. he seems especially favoured of the meatier parts (which is good!) but sometimes it's nice to receive a little boost from someone who isn't obligated to adore me. See, I dropped Brian off w/ his little friend to deliver papers & stopped by Taco Hell for a quesadilla. I pulled up to the little window & the cute young guy leaned out & it bordered on a double take. Nice to know I'm so cute they hafta look twice to verify... Then he had this little embarassed grin like you get when you're talking to somebody you're so crushing on & you're praying to not say anything stooopid.... Yeah me! Still a cutey!

Beyond that little bit o' fluff, my night at work went much better than expected. Chris told me before she left that Justin was coming in to help Sherrie w/ floors, so I figured he would be all up in my bubble all nite using my last nerve for a trampoline, like he did last time. But I talked to Sherrie before he got there & told her bout the issues I been having w/ him lately & how I was considering leaving. I mentioned to her needing a day job & she said I should see if he'd swap me w/ Amber- make her work nights & gimme the L-2 (8-3:30) shift. She said she'd talk to him. Later, he wants to talk to me & he says if I want the day shift it's mine & if she don't like it she can be replaced! Talked to Sherrie bout what he said & she said she'd told him I was a damn good worker & not to lose me so if I wanted the day shift give it to me & that Shane would be really pissed if he found out Justin lemme get away! Plus she told him to stop picking on me bcoz I'm only joking & he needs to stop taking things so seriously.. Hurray for Sherrie! My hero!!! So in bout 3 weeks I start working day shift. I'll get off at 3:30 & have all day left. I'lll have more time w/ my chibi & my friends! Lalalalalalal ...... oh happy day........

Just to let my faithfull readers know, I've started my very own Yahoo Group!! It's called Behold My Obsessions. It's a group for sharing pics & fanfic involving all my fave boys & it's also open to any kinda discussion!

I am a Dreamer





I hear the whistle of the wind

the sound of the silence

I see the unicorns fly

the angles in the sky

I see the fire of the dragons breath



I want to be free to soar with the eagles

to dream the dream of dreams



I am a dreamer



I pretend to float on the clouds

to fly across the sky on a dragons wing

to see a unicorn



I feel the wind blow across the land

the dragons breath

an angles touch



I touch the sky with my dreams

the wind as it blows thru the air

the light of the stars that shine at night



I am a dreamer



I dream about anything and everything

that the world cannot offer

I dream every chance I get

To often

Not enough



I  dream of a world without crime

a land without polution

Peace for all



I am a dreamer





(written by Carolyn H. posted to Altered Books Yahoo Group)







It's strange how the world calls someone a dreamer as tho it's a bad thing to be

- a hopeless dreamer.... Funny to me, when dreamers seem to be the most hopefull

 of anyone...



Dreamers are the ones who make the world a better place for being a part of it- Martin Luther

King, Vincent van Gogh, all artists, musicians.. where would the world be without

these hopeless dreamers...

Dummm de dummm... Life sucks for me lately, you know? (Great opening for a post, right?) Well, the job thing's happening at snail pace... I never seem to have time to go out looking for a better job coz I'm always working. (Funny how that works, eh?) And I feel like I've got some kinda wretched skin disorder... when I was on vaca we went to the pool (did I whine about this already? probably...) and spent way too much time there and no one paying much attention... so we all got baked. The trip back was uncomfortable and cranky, but I've just gotten worse as the days go by. My face, I think, is mostly done peeling (it's the w0rst when your face is peeling- you don't even want anybody to look at you...) but my back is all chewed up & it's incredibly unpleasant wearing anything against the skin at all..... *pause to contemplate nudist colony* Last night I noticed both my shoulders and halfway down my arms was covered in little blisters, so Brian suggested taking a long hot bath. He said it would "open up the pores and let the fluid from the blisters drain out." Sounded good to me, so in I went. Most of the little blisters are gone, but, of course, now the shoulders and arms are all peely too..... ;_;

Oh well, enough whining I guess.....

You know, it's strange, if you think about it... they mention in songs about "..if I could go back in time, I'd try to find you and make up for all this wasted time..." (Read Your Mind by Vonda Shepard) but that's wrong. At least I think so. I believe you find the right person for you exactly when you are meant to. I do not believe Fate is in complete control of you destiny, but I do believe there are certain things pre-determined for you life and it is the Fates' jobs to contrive a way to make those things happen. I do not believe in one single soul mate tho is the only person we could ever truly be happy with. I believe there are certain sould with whom you are perfectly compatible. And that's why there are lovers in uor lives where things didn't work out for whatever reasons, but that love remains. No matter how many years and miles away you may go, you can never escape that memory. Something always will inevitably bring that person back to mind. It's because your soul felt a bond with their's and that kind of bond can not be broken.

There are certain people, old boyfriends.. sometimes someone I never even dated.. who consistently sneak back to the forefront of my conscious without any warning. There are lovers I've had who I had a major relationship with and never even think of them barely at all... but there are those who I cannot seem to shake. Without any real reason or much encouragement my mind will bring them back to me & I'm sitting dwelling on olde thoughts and passing moments.... It's very confusing....

Just wanted to let all know that I have returned from my vaca. Was off the last 4 days to visit my Papaw & Mamaw in West Virginia ( along w/ Mom, Dad,"little" brother, sister & her 3 kids).

We drove down Friday & got there around 1 AM.... we were very busy this weekend. Site-seeing at Dad's old hangouts (he grew up there), visiting the zoo, County park.... all over.. We went mini-golfing, but gave up halfway thru the course coz it was too hot & mini golf w/ 3 kids is taxing... yeah, taxing is a good word for it... Nearly 4 hours in the pool and yes, we're all burned, but I seem to be taking the most lasting damage.... ;_; I'm crispy-fried! and miserable..

But the trip was all in all a good one. Really enjoyed seeing Mamaw & Papaw, since it's been about 7 years since our last trip!

I missed Brian something dreadful & was so happy to see that he was home when I got here, but just bout cried when he said he was having to leave for work soon... I really woulda liked some time with him..... ;_;

Anyhow, tho.... I have returned safely and only slightly the worse for wear......... and very glad to be home.

I noticed something just the other day... up in the right hand corner of the screen (at least in my screen.. .maybe I have a magic screen & U can't see that box... ) when I'm looking at a blog there is a box for "Next Blog"... this is a fascinating toy for someone like me who loves ppl, loves to be nosey.... You can just surf along thru the string of blogs! People you don't know, will never meet who didn't invite you.. you can secretly read their little worlds... it's almost like a biography you found by accident, but more interesting.. Just thought I'd share coz I hadn't noticed that button before & thought maybe there were other bored nosey voyeuristic individuals out there who'd dig fishing thru strangers inner demons.... maybe it's just me....

Just reading over that last post & the couple before it & thinking how heinously depressing my blogs become lately... I really should post when I'm happy & not just when I'm depressed or I'm gonna end up like all the other mindless drivel out here in space, sucking the life outta the reader with their vapid "musings" & whiny self-loathing "OH I'm so depressed! The world hates me!" every day of the week...

ACK!!!

We will be having none of that!!! So here's a little something that's been earworming* me lately:

She will be loved by Maroon 5

"Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

Tap on my window, knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

Tap on my window, knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful

I don't mind spending every day
Out on your corner in the pouring rain, oh
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

Please don't try so hard to say goodbye
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain

Please don't try so hard to say goodbye


Something about that song...... I can't really explain it... but it always makes me think of that movie "13 going on 30", which I haven't seen, but since I keep thinking of it I wonder of Maroon 5 is sending me subliminal messages......

* Earworm = a song that's stuck in your head

Say a prayer for me out there, will ya? I'm gonna need it! Brian just left this morning to go to work with Jay.... translation: he'll be gone till Thursday! I dunno how I'm gonna survive this! I know it makes me sound weak & pathetic & hopelessly codependent, but I'm not any of those things (altho, yes, I used to be).. it's just he truly is the centre of my world, the light of my life, the reason I have to wake up in the morning & the thing that keeps me going all night at work knowing I have him to come home to... but now I won't. On one level it's a good thing because he's going to be making real good money, so we'll be able to shut up the utility companies & not hafta wake up everyday wondering if today is the day they turn off the phone/NIPSCO/water.. We're hoping to get the Thomas running full force & get another vehicle as well, plus we'll be able to get the hell outta this li'l rathole we call an apt. come February when our lease is up... but those are all still pipe dreams at this point. Right now, I just hafta survive this week & we'll see when he comes home with the check if it's worth doing anymore...

So, if you two are reading this, feel free to aim Hakaryu this direction anytime coz I'll be more than happy to have the company!

Blue... like my tears..

I am so miserable.. and over such a little thing...

Brian went to work a few minutes ago.. to deliver papers with a friend coz goddess knows we need the $$$... He'll be gone till round 4:30 or 5 in the morning, meaning I'll have already gone to sleep by the time he comes home.. if I don't just wait up for him knowing I can't sleep without him anyway....'

Why does it make me so miserable when he's gone... I'm a little sad at work bcoz I miss him, but nothing like when he leaves to go somewhere for a while.... it nearly undid me when he went for 2 days to Ohio to bring his mother back.... Another friend, Jay, came by 2nite wanting Brian to go work with him on a job remodeling houses.. but that would keep him away for like a week... yeah, ok... just kill me now... It seems Brian don't want to take that job for the same reason - he wouldn't want to be away from me for that long either... So, hopefully, this job with Gabe will work out well enuf for us to catch up on things...

It's been getting pretty bad lately. Yesterday they shut the water off & I hadda borrow $$ from Mom to get it turned back on & was late for work bcoz of it... THings are just piling up & up & I'm afraid we'll never get them caught up & never get the hell outta this apt....

Trying very hard not to be depressed... but it's impossible with my chibi gone....

Hmmmm..... it seems there truly is no rest for the wicked.. at least, there won't be tonite. See, my darling chibi has gone off to Ohio to fetch his evil mother & bring her back here to live with her ex who she told me she hated but she made up with anyhow... whatever. So I thought he'd be home tonite coz he told me he thought me might & I was very hopefull coz I can't stand to be away from him... but he won't be home till late tomorrow nite... how miserable am I just now?

But, on a nicer note, I spent a lovely day with friends for their birthday - we skipped the Death Day cake - but we hung out, went shopping ( I bought lotsa great stuff for my chibi whose bday is Thursday!) & we went to see De-Lovely. Funny.... see, it's about the life of Cole Porter, so we were the only people there under, like, 50. lol It's kind of sad, but so moving & resonant & beautifull. There's so much life, depth & emotion... it's wonderfull! As a side note, I so gotta get the soundtrack, with Robbie Williams, Alanis, Elvis Costello.... oh yeah!

I read an article in a magazine a while back about this guy who'd set up this group online for "freecycling" & it sounded like a great idea, so I wanted to check into it. Turns out, it's not one group. The movement started small & blew up everywhere! I signed up for the group in the South Bend/Mishawaka area, but there are egroups for all over the place. See article in the Elkart Truth, which explains this all very simply. It's a great idea & a great way to get & get rid of some really good stuff.

Tonite at work started out interesting...

When I got there, I couldn't get in the front door bcoz Edna (one of the residents) had managed to get out of her locked unit & was at the front door trying to leave, so they had it locked & were trying to convince her to move away, but no dice.. so I went to the other door & snuck in that way...

Now, I don't remember exactly when, but within the 1st week or so I worked there, Frank had asked me about my pentacle necklace I wear- asking was I Wiccan or just pagan.. I never thought to ask him.... & tonite Jean (Frank's gf) asked to see my necklace. Then she tells me she just bought Frank one for the Aquarius sign w/ all the Zodiac symbols around it & starts in about the Ren faire they'd just been to (damn! I never reminded her to show me the pics.... :( ) And she says that while they were there Frank mentioned "Y'know, I bet Tabitha would love this..." How cool that they thought of me! It's nice to have at-work friends, especially the really decent ppl kind. It's also great to have pagan/pagan-friendly co-workers & work in a building where I've never had to fear wearing my necklace. I've spent many breaks sittin on the counter in the laundry room colouring my homemade book of tarot readings (which BTW is finishd- Yeah me!!) & the backs for my collage tarot deck.

Speaking of my deck, I'm hoping to have some time soon (yeah right) to get the cards all scanned in - as it is nearing (I think) completion - & I'm hoping to put it online for sale...

Firstly, thank you ever so for the comment, dearest ShuiSanzo.... for someone who's spent most of their life afraid no one would notice or miss them if they died, it 's nice to know you missed my inane babbling posts on an insignificant blog somewhere in cyberspace.


Secondly, there is something so comforting about hearing him laugh from the other room. We seem to spend a lot of time in the house together but hardly see each other sometimes because I am on the puter & he's living on Playstation parked in the living room... (I told him when- not if! I swear it's when - we buy a house it's gotta be a loft type space or I'm knocking all the fucking walls down!) But for me, on good days, it is enough.. bcoz I know that he's there & all I have to do is get up & he's around the corner or speak his name & he will appear... There were others in my life who didn't understand this. They couldn't understand how them doing something & me doing something but 2 dif't things & we're not actually talking but we're in the same room is enough for me. I don't need roses & poems & presents & rings & the whole world on a silver platter. I just need you to be there. To me, it's so simple. That's what people really need is someone who will be there.

I'm very proud of me coz I surfed round & found a better template (coz I was sick of the few Blogger had) and then I figured out how to add all my links... I figured out I can add pics with the little BloggerBot thingy... I'm awesome. Yeah me!

Hehehehe... . I got a new toy!! Blogger has this new thing called "Hello" which allows you to upload pics to your blog! That's so cool!!! Now I can add pics to my Obsessions blog when I get them and add new fotos to this main blog.... it's awesome! Before, you hadda have a paid account to add pics, but not anymore! Hurray!!! Blogger is the best!

My chibi. This is my boyfriend, Brian at a friend's wedding 02/14/2004 

Me! Clipped out of recent family foto from July 16, 2004 

Ok, for starters, yeah me for recruiting another fascinating and interesting individual to fill the vapid webspace with amazing musings and daily repetoire actually worthy of my time to read. Hallelujah!

My dear friend, Frankie (SanzoShuichi) has blessed the world with another B-E-A-utifull blog & I'm so veryvery proud!

Second, hurray for me again bcoz I finally got all my Sims DLs organized... now, this may not seem like a very big deal, except to those who know me and my SImObsession far too well and are so sick of hearing about it, poor li'l things... Anyhow! I got all the blessed DLs organized & now I can go play the Sims w/o having fits trying to find things & they're all int he wrong place... Do you have any clue how hard it is to find a particular thing or figure out where it might be when you have over 2000 DL'ed objects, not counting however many are already included in the game?!??!?! (I also send much love to TalYukiHakkai for loaning me all the loverly ex packs for my game since she can't play right now!)


And on a completely other note - Monday, Auguste 9th will be 1 whole year anniv. for me and my most beloved chibi, Brian. He is the centre of my whole world and the thing that drags me thru the lousiest of days. The other day I professed my concern that his evil mother moving back from Ohio would ruin all the work we've done to build up our relationship & I might lose him. He said "I have my own life now with you and my own family and I have you and that's all that matters." That made me cry. I'm all that matters to someone... I've spent mosta my life wondering if I mattered at all.....

I knew I wasn't getting Hiro on this one, kids. Yeah, I'm sposeta be Hiro, but that's coz I'm the loyal-to-the-death best friend & I've got great hair. LOL



You are Shuiichi.
silly. childish. a dreamer

You are Shuiichi, the incredibly childish singer of
Bad Luck.
You have always wanted to be like your idol
'Ryuiichi Sakuma'.
You are clingy, obsessive, and a cry baby. But you
love everyone
around you, including your coldhearted boyfriend.
You are not one
to carry deep scars. You always heal, and carry on
life with a
happy face.


Gravitation quiz
brought to you by Quizilla

Cho Hakkai


Which Saiyuki Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

You know, it's kinda funny....

I was talking to a friend just now on IM and she said that she really enjoyed my "philosophical meanderings" in my blog and thought I should write more often, like everyday.. and that she thought other people would really enjoy reading my thoughts. That's neat to me, because it's not a cheap, obligatory comment that she had to give. I hadn't asked if she read my journal. They offered that up all on their own... How nice to have someone say that what I think and what I share makes a difference....

Thank you Ani & Frankie for giving me the gift of your interest.

Why is it that when we are young we know everyone in our neighbourhood? We make friends with every other kid on our street so we have someone to hang out with, something to do? But when we grow up & we’re smarter, better communicators & know so much more of the world we are lost in our own neighbourhood? We don’t know the names of the family across the street or even the couple next door? The world is so strange and anti-social and closed off. Imagine how much good it could do if we still knew all our neighbours, if we still spent all day outside playing with the other kids?

What is this obsession people have with “being somebody”? Don’t they realize that you are “somebody” just by existing? That’s all there is to it- exist. If you continue to draw breath, you are somebody. Congratulations.

Well, we may finally be getting a damn car! We got tomorrow to look at a van for only $75!!! Supposedly it needs a battery (which I have at my dad's), has got no door handles (which Brian says aren't that hard to replace) and a couple bolts. I'm praying this works out for us! It'd be soooo nice!

"To live is to risk dying. To do is to risk failure.
To laugh is to risk appearing a fool. To love is to risk not
being loved in return.
To cry is to risk appearing soft and sentimental.
To reach out to another is to risk involvement or rejection.
To place your ideas, dreams, and desires before people is to risk
ridicule.
The greatest omission in life is to risk nothing. The person who
risks nothing gets nothing, has nothing, is nothing. He may avoid
suffering, pain and sorrow, but he does not learn, grow, live, or
love. He is only a slave - chained by safety - locked away by
fear. Only a person who is willing to risk, not knowing the
results, is alive."

- Anonymous


I have always given 110%, usually to causes, people or relationships that didn’t deserve it of me… and many, many times I’ve been told that I only hurt myself in the end by being too open and too trusting, but I have seen what becomes of the ones who hold back in their comfort zone.. I have a couple friends who have spent nearly their whole life in that comfort zone and yes, they have rarely been walked on & mistreated, and, yes, they have not shed so many tears as I have and seem mostly unaffected by the pain I often feel… but there is something else they suffer from instead.. For the safety they enjoy, one has become jaded and the other an old maid far before her time. They can’t seem to comprehend the simple joy I find in many things, and don’t understand the depth of emotion I experience. They think I’m silly, melodramatic, over-emotional. The first refuses to admit she cares about people, deems every lover “un-worthy” to keep herself from falling for them, and is sometimes drawn into relationship she knows are unhealthy and will fail. The second ages rapidly before my eyes. I watch helplessly as we have less and less in common, my frustration growing, wondering how I can help her.. She seems so closed off to new things and unusual experiences & it seems to me she misses so much by holding to what she already knows. And she never has anyone to love.. no one to hold her, adore her and I fear she will never know the amazing gamut of emotions that comes with being in love….

I have been hurt, abused and broken-hearted many times, but I would rather be forced to deal with that pain and heal my heart again than remain safe and unaffected, missing the emotion, beauty, rapture.. euphoria.. that come before the pain. I say to you “Do not be afraid! Live your life! Tis better to learn from mistakes than never make any!”

Take the quiz: "Which Random Irish Gaelic Phrase Are You? "

Ta mo bhriste tri thine
Ta mo bhriste tri thine - 'My trousers are on fire.'You're a few bricks short of a load, aren't you? You're probably not allowed to use sharp objects and you should be locked in a rubber room. With Rubber rats. Rubber rats? I hate rubber rats. They drive me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once. They put me in a rubber room. With rubber rats. Rubber rats? I hate rubber rats...

Review of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban:

Got to go see the movie last night- opening night Yeah me!
I was not a little apprehensive about Gary Oldman playing Sirius Black because I didn't know if he could play the battered but loving godfather as well as the psycho escapee murderer, but he proved me wrong. He actually did very well and I think he suited the role nicely. I also wasn't looking forward to the upright Emma Thompson as Prof. Trelawney, but it wasn't as wretched as I'd feared. She played the role highly steriotypically of the baked-out, zoned-out, too-much-patchouli hippie circus fortune teller and that's not how I'd pictured Trelawney, but the performance didn't leave me throwing popcorn at the screen... so bygones.

Over all I loved it. I thought it was absolutely fantastic!! Alfonso Cuaron, as the new director, brought a realism and less movie-ishness to it than the 1st two had. They were wonderfull, no question, but were a bit more rigid I guess is my word... everyone seemed much more comfortable and much more their characters than actors in this movie, especially all the kids. (Altho I must be totally honest that I can hardly call them kids... I know they're all like 14 but I spent mosta the flick adoring the Hogwart's Hotties! Could the Weasley twins be any more adorable with those sexy shag haircuts!) Really tho it was great! I was blown away and can't wait to see it again!

Why can't I just have debilitating cramps like every other woman with PMS..... ? No. I have to get paranoid. I'm fine any other time and I love adore and trust Brian completely, but once a month for about a week I'm convinced that he's up to something, talking to other girls online or on the phone.... it makes me sick and angry and depressed and the pills don't work on paranoia like they do on cramps....


On top of this shit, I had the day off today and woulda liked to spend it with him, but he hadda go help Jay move. He left at like 9 this morning and wasn't home still at 6 so I called and he said he's got no ride won't be home tonite. I got very upset and was crying before I even hung up the fucking phone.. Last nite when he said he was going to Jay's I told him I was unhappy about it becoz it's my day off and I don't get that many when I don't have something I hafta go do and I didn't have any plans today and we coulda spent the whole day together. I feel like we never get any time together coz I'm always working and he's always with his friends or his stoopid friends are here...

I'm just very depressed and missed him dreadfully today and spent most of today trying not to cry.. and failing.