Just reading over that last post & the couple before it & thinking how heinously depressing my blogs become lately... I really should post when I'm happy & not just when I'm depressed or I'm gonna end up like all the other mindless drivel out here in space, sucking the life outta the reader with their vapid "musings" & whiny self-loathing "OH I'm so depressed! The world hates me!" every day of the week...

ACK!!!

We will be having none of that!!! So here's a little something that's been earworming* me lately:

She will be loved by Maroon 5

"Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

Tap on my window, knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

Tap on my window, knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful

I don't mind spending every day
Out on your corner in the pouring rain, oh
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

Please don't try so hard to say goodbye
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain

Please don't try so hard to say goodbye


Something about that song...... I can't really explain it... but it always makes me think of that movie "13 going on 30", which I haven't seen, but since I keep thinking of it I wonder of Maroon 5 is sending me subliminal messages......

* Earworm = a song that's stuck in your head

Say a prayer for me out there, will ya? I'm gonna need it! Brian just left this morning to go to work with Jay.... translation: he'll be gone till Thursday! I dunno how I'm gonna survive this! I know it makes me sound weak & pathetic & hopelessly codependent, but I'm not any of those things (altho, yes, I used to be).. it's just he truly is the centre of my world, the light of my life, the reason I have to wake up in the morning & the thing that keeps me going all night at work knowing I have him to come home to... but now I won't. On one level it's a good thing because he's going to be making real good money, so we'll be able to shut up the utility companies & not hafta wake up everyday wondering if today is the day they turn off the phone/NIPSCO/water.. We're hoping to get the Thomas running full force & get another vehicle as well, plus we'll be able to get the hell outta this li'l rathole we call an apt. come February when our lease is up... but those are all still pipe dreams at this point. Right now, I just hafta survive this week & we'll see when he comes home with the check if it's worth doing anymore...

So, if you two are reading this, feel free to aim Hakaryu this direction anytime coz I'll be more than happy to have the company!

Blue... like my tears..

I am so miserable.. and over such a little thing...

Brian went to work a few minutes ago.. to deliver papers with a friend coz goddess knows we need the $$$... He'll be gone till round 4:30 or 5 in the morning, meaning I'll have already gone to sleep by the time he comes home.. if I don't just wait up for him knowing I can't sleep without him anyway....'

Why does it make me so miserable when he's gone... I'm a little sad at work bcoz I miss him, but nothing like when he leaves to go somewhere for a while.... it nearly undid me when he went for 2 days to Ohio to bring his mother back.... Another friend, Jay, came by 2nite wanting Brian to go work with him on a job remodeling houses.. but that would keep him away for like a week... yeah, ok... just kill me now... It seems Brian don't want to take that job for the same reason - he wouldn't want to be away from me for that long either... So, hopefully, this job with Gabe will work out well enuf for us to catch up on things...

It's been getting pretty bad lately. Yesterday they shut the water off & I hadda borrow $$ from Mom to get it turned back on & was late for work bcoz of it... THings are just piling up & up & I'm afraid we'll never get them caught up & never get the hell outta this apt....

Trying very hard not to be depressed... but it's impossible with my chibi gone....

Hmmmm..... it seems there truly is no rest for the wicked.. at least, there won't be tonite. See, my darling chibi has gone off to Ohio to fetch his evil mother & bring her back here to live with her ex who she told me she hated but she made up with anyhow... whatever. So I thought he'd be home tonite coz he told me he thought me might & I was very hopefull coz I can't stand to be away from him... but he won't be home till late tomorrow nite... how miserable am I just now?

But, on a nicer note, I spent a lovely day with friends for their birthday - we skipped the Death Day cake - but we hung out, went shopping ( I bought lotsa great stuff for my chibi whose bday is Thursday!) & we went to see De-Lovely. Funny.... see, it's about the life of Cole Porter, so we were the only people there under, like, 50. lol It's kind of sad, but so moving & resonant & beautifull. There's so much life, depth & emotion... it's wonderfull! As a side note, I so gotta get the soundtrack, with Robbie Williams, Alanis, Elvis Costello.... oh yeah!

I read an article in a magazine a while back about this guy who'd set up this group online for "freecycling" & it sounded like a great idea, so I wanted to check into it. Turns out, it's not one group. The movement started small & blew up everywhere! I signed up for the group in the South Bend/Mishawaka area, but there are egroups for all over the place. See article in the Elkart Truth, which explains this all very simply. It's a great idea & a great way to get & get rid of some really good stuff.

Tonite at work started out interesting...

When I got there, I couldn't get in the front door bcoz Edna (one of the residents) had managed to get out of her locked unit & was at the front door trying to leave, so they had it locked & were trying to convince her to move away, but no dice.. so I went to the other door & snuck in that way...

Now, I don't remember exactly when, but within the 1st week or so I worked there, Frank had asked me about my pentacle necklace I wear- asking was I Wiccan or just pagan.. I never thought to ask him.... & tonite Jean (Frank's gf) asked to see my necklace. Then she tells me she just bought Frank one for the Aquarius sign w/ all the Zodiac symbols around it & starts in about the Ren faire they'd just been to (damn! I never reminded her to show me the pics.... :( ) And she says that while they were there Frank mentioned "Y'know, I bet Tabitha would love this..." How cool that they thought of me! It's nice to have at-work friends, especially the really decent ppl kind. It's also great to have pagan/pagan-friendly co-workers & work in a building where I've never had to fear wearing my necklace. I've spent many breaks sittin on the counter in the laundry room colouring my homemade book of tarot readings (which BTW is finishd- Yeah me!!) & the backs for my collage tarot deck.

Speaking of my deck, I'm hoping to have some time soon (yeah right) to get the cards all scanned in - as it is nearing (I think) completion - & I'm hoping to put it online for sale...

Firstly, thank you ever so for the comment, dearest ShuiSanzo.... for someone who's spent most of their life afraid no one would notice or miss them if they died, it 's nice to know you missed my inane babbling posts on an insignificant blog somewhere in cyberspace.


Secondly, there is something so comforting about hearing him laugh from the other room. We seem to spend a lot of time in the house together but hardly see each other sometimes because I am on the puter & he's living on Playstation parked in the living room... (I told him when- not if! I swear it's when - we buy a house it's gotta be a loft type space or I'm knocking all the fucking walls down!) But for me, on good days, it is enough.. bcoz I know that he's there & all I have to do is get up & he's around the corner or speak his name & he will appear... There were others in my life who didn't understand this. They couldn't understand how them doing something & me doing something but 2 dif't things & we're not actually talking but we're in the same room is enough for me. I don't need roses & poems & presents & rings & the whole world on a silver platter. I just need you to be there. To me, it's so simple. That's what people really need is someone who will be there.

I'm very proud of me coz I surfed round & found a better template (coz I was sick of the few Blogger had) and then I figured out how to add all my links... I figured out I can add pics with the little BloggerBot thingy... I'm awesome. Yeah me!

Hehehehe... . I got a new toy!! Blogger has this new thing called "Hello" which allows you to upload pics to your blog! That's so cool!!! Now I can add pics to my Obsessions blog when I get them and add new fotos to this main blog.... it's awesome! Before, you hadda have a paid account to add pics, but not anymore! Hurray!!! Blogger is the best!

My chibi. This is my boyfriend, Brian at a friend's wedding 02/14/2004 

Me! Clipped out of recent family foto from July 16, 2004 

Ok, for starters, yeah me for recruiting another fascinating and interesting individual to fill the vapid webspace with amazing musings and daily repetoire actually worthy of my time to read. Hallelujah!

My dear friend, Frankie (SanzoShuichi) has blessed the world with another B-E-A-utifull blog & I'm so veryvery proud!

Second, hurray for me again bcoz I finally got all my Sims DLs organized... now, this may not seem like a very big deal, except to those who know me and my SImObsession far too well and are so sick of hearing about it, poor li'l things... Anyhow! I got all the blessed DLs organized & now I can go play the Sims w/o having fits trying to find things & they're all int he wrong place... Do you have any clue how hard it is to find a particular thing or figure out where it might be when you have over 2000 DL'ed objects, not counting however many are already included in the game?!??!?! (I also send much love to TalYukiHakkai for loaning me all the loverly ex packs for my game since she can't play right now!)


And on a completely other note - Monday, Auguste 9th will be 1 whole year anniv. for me and my most beloved chibi, Brian. He is the centre of my whole world and the thing that drags me thru the lousiest of days. The other day I professed my concern that his evil mother moving back from Ohio would ruin all the work we've done to build up our relationship & I might lose him. He said "I have my own life now with you and my own family and I have you and that's all that matters." That made me cry. I'm all that matters to someone... I've spent mosta my life wondering if I mattered at all.....

I knew I wasn't getting Hiro on this one, kids. Yeah, I'm sposeta be Hiro, but that's coz I'm the loyal-to-the-death best friend & I've got great hair. LOL



You are Shuiichi.
silly. childish. a dreamer

You are Shuiichi, the incredibly childish singer of
Bad Luck.
You have always wanted to be like your idol
'Ryuiichi Sakuma'.
You are clingy, obsessive, and a cry baby. But you
love everyone
around you, including your coldhearted boyfriend.
You are not one
to carry deep scars. You always heal, and carry on
life with a
happy face.


Gravitation quiz
brought to you by Quizilla

Cho Hakkai


Which Saiyuki Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

You know, it's kinda funny....

I was talking to a friend just now on IM and she said that she really enjoyed my "philosophical meanderings" in my blog and thought I should write more often, like everyday.. and that she thought other people would really enjoy reading my thoughts. That's neat to me, because it's not a cheap, obligatory comment that she had to give. I hadn't asked if she read my journal. They offered that up all on their own... How nice to have someone say that what I think and what I share makes a difference....

Thank you Ani & Frankie for giving me the gift of your interest.

Why is it that when we are young we know everyone in our neighbourhood? We make friends with every other kid on our street so we have someone to hang out with, something to do? But when we grow up & we’re smarter, better communicators & know so much more of the world we are lost in our own neighbourhood? We don’t know the names of the family across the street or even the couple next door? The world is so strange and anti-social and closed off. Imagine how much good it could do if we still knew all our neighbours, if we still spent all day outside playing with the other kids?

What is this obsession people have with “being somebody”? Don’t they realize that you are “somebody” just by existing? That’s all there is to it- exist. If you continue to draw breath, you are somebody. Congratulations.

Well, we may finally be getting a damn car! We got tomorrow to look at a van for only $75!!! Supposedly it needs a battery (which I have at my dad's), has got no door handles (which Brian says aren't that hard to replace) and a couple bolts. I'm praying this works out for us! It'd be soooo nice!

"To live is to risk dying. To do is to risk failure.
To laugh is to risk appearing a fool. To love is to risk not
being loved in return.
To cry is to risk appearing soft and sentimental.
To reach out to another is to risk involvement or rejection.
To place your ideas, dreams, and desires before people is to risk
ridicule.
The greatest omission in life is to risk nothing. The person who
risks nothing gets nothing, has nothing, is nothing. He may avoid
suffering, pain and sorrow, but he does not learn, grow, live, or
love. He is only a slave - chained by safety - locked away by
fear. Only a person who is willing to risk, not knowing the
results, is alive."

- Anonymous


I have always given 110%, usually to causes, people or relationships that didn’t deserve it of me… and many, many times I’ve been told that I only hurt myself in the end by being too open and too trusting, but I have seen what becomes of the ones who hold back in their comfort zone.. I have a couple friends who have spent nearly their whole life in that comfort zone and yes, they have rarely been walked on & mistreated, and, yes, they have not shed so many tears as I have and seem mostly unaffected by the pain I often feel… but there is something else they suffer from instead.. For the safety they enjoy, one has become jaded and the other an old maid far before her time. They can’t seem to comprehend the simple joy I find in many things, and don’t understand the depth of emotion I experience. They think I’m silly, melodramatic, over-emotional. The first refuses to admit she cares about people, deems every lover “un-worthy” to keep herself from falling for them, and is sometimes drawn into relationship she knows are unhealthy and will fail. The second ages rapidly before my eyes. I watch helplessly as we have less and less in common, my frustration growing, wondering how I can help her.. She seems so closed off to new things and unusual experiences & it seems to me she misses so much by holding to what she already knows. And she never has anyone to love.. no one to hold her, adore her and I fear she will never know the amazing gamut of emotions that comes with being in love….

I have been hurt, abused and broken-hearted many times, but I would rather be forced to deal with that pain and heal my heart again than remain safe and unaffected, missing the emotion, beauty, rapture.. euphoria.. that come before the pain. I say to you “Do not be afraid! Live your life! Tis better to learn from mistakes than never make any!”

Take the quiz: "Which Random Irish Gaelic Phrase Are You? "

Ta mo bhriste tri thine
Ta mo bhriste tri thine - 'My trousers are on fire.'You're a few bricks short of a load, aren't you? You're probably not allowed to use sharp objects and you should be locked in a rubber room. With Rubber rats. Rubber rats? I hate rubber rats. They drive me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once. They put me in a rubber room. With rubber rats. Rubber rats? I hate rubber rats...

Review of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban:

Got to go see the movie last night- opening night Yeah me!
I was not a little apprehensive about Gary Oldman playing Sirius Black because I didn't know if he could play the battered but loving godfather as well as the psycho escapee murderer, but he proved me wrong. He actually did very well and I think he suited the role nicely. I also wasn't looking forward to the upright Emma Thompson as Prof. Trelawney, but it wasn't as wretched as I'd feared. She played the role highly steriotypically of the baked-out, zoned-out, too-much-patchouli hippie circus fortune teller and that's not how I'd pictured Trelawney, but the performance didn't leave me throwing popcorn at the screen... so bygones.

Over all I loved it. I thought it was absolutely fantastic!! Alfonso Cuaron, as the new director, brought a realism and less movie-ishness to it than the 1st two had. They were wonderfull, no question, but were a bit more rigid I guess is my word... everyone seemed much more comfortable and much more their characters than actors in this movie, especially all the kids. (Altho I must be totally honest that I can hardly call them kids... I know they're all like 14 but I spent mosta the flick adoring the Hogwart's Hotties! Could the Weasley twins be any more adorable with those sexy shag haircuts!) Really tho it was great! I was blown away and can't wait to see it again!

Why can't I just have debilitating cramps like every other woman with PMS..... ? No. I have to get paranoid. I'm fine any other time and I love adore and trust Brian completely, but once a month for about a week I'm convinced that he's up to something, talking to other girls online or on the phone.... it makes me sick and angry and depressed and the pills don't work on paranoia like they do on cramps....


On top of this shit, I had the day off today and woulda liked to spend it with him, but he hadda go help Jay move. He left at like 9 this morning and wasn't home still at 6 so I called and he said he's got no ride won't be home tonite. I got very upset and was crying before I even hung up the fucking phone.. Last nite when he said he was going to Jay's I told him I was unhappy about it becoz it's my day off and I don't get that many when I don't have something I hafta go do and I didn't have any plans today and we coulda spent the whole day together. I feel like we never get any time together coz I'm always working and he's always with his friends or his stoopid friends are here...

I'm just very depressed and missed him dreadfully today and spent most of today trying not to cry.. and failing.

My boyfriend is a fucker. He ate my cookies without even asking me ate the whole damn package of cookies without leaving me even one and so I hate him.

On the other hand, I think I'm hooked on the Sharon Osbourne show. It's entirely different from any other talk show. She sits beside her guests on a big cushy couch and she's so sweet and adorable (how did she EVER end up with Ozzy?!?!?!) and I just love her show. She just talks to the guests about whatever like they're old friends who dropped by for coffee and just happen to be in front of a studio audience. I adore!!

AMANDAJONESTRAVEL.COM

"to love. to be loved. to never forget your own insignificance. to never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. to seek joy in the saddest of places. to pursue beauty to its lair. to never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. to respect strength, never power. above all, to watch. to try to understand. to never look away. and never, never to forget."
—arundhati roy

OK, I've been seriously waiting impatiently for the new Harry Potter installation - "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban" - to come out in theatres. When I heard Gary Oldman was tipped to play Sirius Black I was unsure of the casting because I know he plays weird, crazy, & creepy incredibly well and his versatility as a bad guy/ deranged individual is amazing, but I've read all the books, including the 5th [WARNING! SPOILERS INCOMING:], and in the 5th book he is highly involved in the plotline but as Harry's loving yet scruffy, slightly bedraggled and rough-around-the-edges godfather. See, I know Oldman can play the "evil" Sirius in book 3, but can he do the battered but beloved Sirius in book 5?

And now, thanks to the new Issue of Premiere Mag. (with Orli on the cover) I discover that Emma Thompson is playing Professor Trelawney.... I know I didn't write the books, but from the descriptions Rowling paints a picture of someone willowy, wafty, maybe a little weak & melodramatic... in my head I pictured someone like Uma Thurman (in The Truth About Cats & Dogs), maybe Nicole Kidman...... Not someone quite so high-profile for the actual movie coz I know they've been trying to keep the megastars to a minimum... but Emma Thompson? No. Definitely Not.

I'm conflicted. Part of me wants to continue using my LiveJournal.. but part of my thinks my weblog is ssooo much easier.... oh the confusion...

MOVIE REVIEW

Just returned from seeing The Punisher. Funny thing is I originally saw the poster at the theatre last year and was very "No, I don't think so" about it.... till I actually saw a preview. Glad I changed my mind about it - I really liked it. But I hafta say there were a couple scenes I just couldn't watch... not that they were gory (thank goddess there was none of that mess here), just very emotionally upsetting.

I definitely liked Thomas Jane in the title role. He carried it off rather well. He's part of seeing the preview that made me wanna watch the flick in the 1st place. See, I became quite enamoured of him in The Sweetest Thing & was happy to find another excuse to look at him. I was a little let down seeing the shirtless scenes (of which there are many) coz I don't like so much grass on my playground, if u get me.... but he was still built pretty well... and I much appreciated the gratuitous hip bone shots....

I was kinda surprised that Howard Saint (bad guy played by John Travolta) was portrayed so weakly. I just didn't find him intimidating at all. I've seen enough Travolta flicks to know he coulda done way better than what they had for him in this one!

I swear lately I run myself fucking ragged, & for what? I've got nothing. SOme days I'm not even sure I have Brian anymore..... yesterday was 8 months.....

I work all the time & it feels like I hardly get to see him. He's sposeta be starting a job Monday with Jay working construction. He'll be working from 9 AM- 3, which means I'll see him even less. By the time I come home he'll be in bed & gone before I wake up. I told him already I'm gonna kill any of his friends who try to come over on my days off coz that's the only time I'll be getting with him....

I seem to have finally gotten over the depression that I was fighting. It helped that I wrote him a 6-page letter explaining exactly how I felt and why and he actually read it and paid attention. It also helps all the time I have to think while I'm at work and it occurred to me: I have always made my decisions based on what my heart says because my head never did anything but upset me, so why am I listening to it now.

It's also occurred to me that I need to get back to my spirituality because I've been feeling lost and empty lately and I think that's a big part of why.

Ah, life, she never comes quietly, does she?

I finally have a clue what to do with my website and now not enough online time to carry out the task.
I had my Sims lives running fairly well and was muchly enjoying my newly appointed position as God when the damnable puter crashed and now I have to go and re-DL all the spiffy furniture, etc. that I had set up for them....

I dunno how to feel about work anymore.... I like my job and mosta the ppl I hafta work with... Amber makes me nuts bcoz she doesn't do her part and that leaves me to play catch up. Shane's cooking up a replacement for her, which is a good thing- definitely!- but he wants me to train her. The problem here is that A) I hate training ppl and it makes me incredibly nervous and uncomfortable. I don't like having any kinda responsibilities at all above the most menial levels... and B) there are many nites when I spend lotsa quality time vegging on the countertops bcoz I've gotten everything caught up and now can only wait on the dryers to finish their cycle.... This won't look very good to whoever this new gal is and so I will hafta figure out how to be busy all night..... I think I feel an aneurysm coming on...

And to top it all off and make things just a skoach more complicated: I got an email from Brad. It didn't upset me, hurt me, make me cry or anything on that emotional level. But it concernd me, leaving me wondering what his intentions were..... I emaild back & he sez he just wanted to catch up with ppl back in Indiana (he's moved out to Arizona- thank the Gods) and just wanted someone to chat up once in a while. Let's hope.

Well, I must confess that I've pretty much abandon'd my livejournal, as I made it too much of a chore (not to mention a bit too incriminating) for myself. Too many rules and regs, all mine own, and so I move into a dif't genre where I can only post in present tense & cannot, therefore, make myself retro-update to the point I no longer enjoy the site and it becomes more like work than expression. Hurray! I have outsmarted Logical Me again!!!


At this point, Brian & I are in the midst of a hectic, cramp'd maddening little duplex where we've stufft the contents of both our lives which, by now, are nearly enuf to fill a whole house. BTW - we are hoping for that house sometime next year.....

Had bit of a blow-out yesterday. Found a phone # in his pants pocket while collecting up laundry & demanded an explanation. Probly shoulda askt a little nicer, but am PMS-ing and will place the blame on that.... *stares at keyboard guiltily* Turnd out 2 B his brother's gf. Wish he'da just said that, but I figure the accusatory attitude I came at him with probly didn't help.

Other than that, things are getting better for us, at least emotionally. Don't even get me started on having no money, no food, and yet another blown up car. I swear I am vehicularly cursed! Must remember to look up auto protection spells......

Have you heard the new song on the radio "Raise Me Up"? It's by Josh Groban. I know, you're saying "Who?" But you'll know soon enough. At first dial flip you might pass over the song, thinking it's Christian music or something equally as boring, but if you take the time to listen, you're drawn in by the swelling stringplay and the depth of emotion in the voacls. This man has an amazing vocal ability.

It seems he is the new "It-boy" on the music scene, & I, personally, am happy to have him. Don't mistake me - I love my boybands, my bubblegum pop, my hip-hop, and all that Top 40 musical goop clogging the radio stations lately, but it's great to hear something different once in a while. I'm all over John Mayer & Norah Jones. I just wish the rest of the listeners could open their blessed ears and make a little room on the charts for some of this real talent. These types of singers with new, individual, non-prepackaged pop trash music are a welcome change and I hope some of them hold steady without drowning in the sugar fructose pool of pop music.

Lalalalalalalla found some loverly sites today.... what an internet addict I am.... poor me... anyway...

Lori Joy Smith has some of the cutest illustrations and drawings. And you can send these adorable little e-cards all around the internet to spread the sugar high.


Well, travelogues don't do all that much of a shit for me, but if you like that sorta thing, Vagabonding is interesting. You can even sign up for the newsletter and travel vicariously thru this guy on a regular basis while you lie about drizzling Cheetos.

I am a nosey person, and I am not ashamed. I love gossip. I don't spread it, but I must be "in the loop" when 'tis discuss'd. I love fotos, and I have consider'd more than once learning how to develop my own damn film coz I take too many fucking pics and can never seem to afford getting them develop'd and they pile up in the desk drawer in the bottom of my purse in the car console in that junk drawer we all have in our kitchen.

These are the lyrics for the songs of Pippin, as the Steward of Gondor, singing for Denethor's amusement as Faramir rides out to his certain death & the song of Aragon's coronation:


The Steward of Gondor

Words by Billy Boyd (who played Pippin)



Home is behind

The world ahead

And there are many paths to tread

Through shadow

To the edge of night

Until the stars are all alight



Mist and shadow

Cloud and shape

Hope shall fail

All shall fade







Aragorn's Coronation



Melody by Viggo Mortensen (who played Aragorn)

Words by J.R.R. Tolkien



Et Eärello Endorenna utûlien. Sinome maruvan ar Hildinyar tenn' Ambar-metta!



[Out of the Great Sea to Middle-earth I am come. In this place will I
abide, and my heirs, unto the ending of the world.]







"The stars are veiled. Something stirs in the East. A sleepless malice.
The eye of the Enemy is moving." --Legolas





Orlando has just started filming on a new movie "The Kingdom of Heaven." I'm not sure what it's about yet, but he also just finished up filming on another movie "Haven."

Do you like monsters?



Jessica Galbreth has some of the most beautiful faeries I've ever seen. I'm a huge fan of fantasy art and I just love her galleries! Her latest project is Fairies of the Zodiac, and the gallery comes complete with larger views of the pics and info about the corresponding zodiac sign.




OK - my slash senses are tingling, gals! And I know your's will be, too!


Will Jake and Heath shatter Hollywood's taboo against gay sex?
Director Ang Lee is set to cast Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger in
"Brokeback Mountain," a story of two cowboys in love. But are studios --
and audiences -- ready for a passionate big-screen kiss between men?

- - - - - - - - - - - -
By Rebecca Traister

Jan. 14, 2004 | Welcome to Gay New 2004. It follows Gay Old 2003, when
sodomy became legal in all 50 states, gay marriage or "civil unions" became
a possibility in three, and the media pulled a muscle patting itself on the
back for accepting a fistful of swish television characters. Now, for the
first time in as long as most of us can remember, a sweeping gay romance is
about to get the imprimatur of mainstream -- or at least prestigious --
Hollywood stamped all over it. ("Making Love," from 1982, with Harry Hamlin
and Michael Ontkean? Anyone?)

The casting call is out for "Brokeback Mountain," the Ang Lee-directed
adaptation of Annie Proulx's short story, replete with sunsets, horses,
howling windstorms and a heartbreaking love story between two young
cowboys. Although the casting isn't yet official, Hollywood sources say
that heartthrobs Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger are in negotiations to star.

Should the contracts not get signed, though, there will be no shortage of
well-groomed actors with representation who could be candidates to don the
Stetsons and chaps. In the months since Lee announced that he would direct
the movie, fans have taken to Internet chat rooms with a vengeance, begging
the unhearing movie gods to cast everyone from Viggo Mortensen and Brad Pitt,
or Jude Law and Benicio Del Toro, or Joaquin Phoenix and Johnny Depp (all of
whom are a bit ripe to play characters whose stories begin at age 19).

"He's always been Hollywood's trembling-lipped sensitive boy," pointed out
one hopeful fan about Depp. Another opined that Jude Law's "good looks and
intense charm would make even a straight cowboy swoon." Both Depp and Law
have played gay before (in "Before Night Falls" and "Wilde," respectively).

Some computer-savvy cinephiles have gone
so far as to create a beefcakey "Brokeback Mountain" poster featuring Josh
Hartnett and Colin Farrell, who will reportedly play bi-curious in his
upcoming role as Alexander the Great in "Alexander."

The story by Proulx ("The Shipping News"), which originally appeared in the
New Yorker, has been adapted by Larry McMurtry ("Terms of Endearment," "The
Last Picture Show") and his partner, Diana Ossana. Director Lee ("The
Ice Storm," Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon") has chosen to make it his follow-up
to last summer's "The Hulk," which was viewed as a commercial and critical
disappointment. Lee's longtime co-writer, James Schamus, who runs Focus
Features, a division of Universal Pictures, will produce the picture with Ossana.
Shooting is set to begin this summer.

Schamus, also a Columbia University film professor and co-founder of the
now-defunct independent film bastion Good Machine, said via e-mail that he
could not comment on casting decisions before anything has been made
official, since it would "inevitably result in injured feelings and
misunderstandings." But, he wrote, "it's still in process, and it's been
remarkably hassle free -- no one has raised even an eyebrow and people
across the board are responding in a really passionate way to the story and
the characters."

That not an eyebrow would be raised at the casting of two tadpole
heartthrobs to play young men who get it on in a pup tent, share a
passionate kiss on a windblown night and get gruffly teary-eyed as they
talk about their unutterable feelings for each other is almost too
Pollyanna-ish to be believed. But Scott Rudin ("The Hours," "The Stepford
Wives") -- who planned to make "Brokeback Mountain" in the late 1990s with
Gus Van Sant ("Good Will Hunting") directing, but now has no connection to
the movie -- agreed.

"It's an amazing project; I'm incredibly jealous. And I don't get jealous,"
Rudin says. As for the process of signing up willing actors, he laughed at
the notion that it would be difficult. "You've got a great filmmaker and
parts for two movie stars. I can't imagine why any actor would not want to
play one of those roles. Anyone who gets in that movie is lucky to be
there; it's an absolutely beautiful script. Who would want to turn that down?"

But not everyone is confident that bona fide movie stars would risk their
straight cred by mounting steeds and locking lips. One Hollywood executive,
who spoke on the condition of anonymity, says, "Realistically, let's talk
about the giggle factor. I mean, it is a story about gay cowboys! That is
the most daring thing you can do." If the I's do get dotted on Gyllenhaal
and Ledger's contracts, it's worth noting that both will run less of a risk
of being "taken for gay" than many of their colleagues; Gyllenhaal dates
supercute wunderkind Kirsten Dunst, while Ledger squires Naomi Watts, 11
years his senior, to lots of events covered by Us Weekly.

Sean Griffin, an assistant professor of cinema and television at Southern
Methodist University in Dallas, was even skeptical that the film could
actually get produced as advertised. He says, "When studio money [from
Focus Features' parent company Universal] is involved, you never know how
far things are actually going to go. You never know who's going to actually
show up for this thing. I'll withhold judgment until I actually see a major
on-screen kiss."

Griffin is alluding to Hollywood's habit of bleaching movies about
homosexuals of their sensuality and romance. Films like "54" and "Fried
Green Tomatoes" were, in the words of one producer, "totally de-lezzed" or
"de-gayed." "A Beautiful Mind," Ron Howard's multiple-Oscar winner about mathematician
John Nash, glossed over his reported homosexual relationships. Even
"Philadelphia," a Columbia TriStar movie hailed as Hollywood's first gay
love story, showed little sign that Tom Hanks, in an Oscar-garnering
performance as a man in the late stages of AIDS, had ever met, much less
made love to, his partner, played by Antonio Banderas.

What we've been left with have been a raft of fabulously witty and stylish
characters played by openly gay actor Rupert Everett ("My Best Friend's
Wedding," "The Next Best Thing"), tortured, foreign gay artists (Stephen
Frye as Oscar Wilde in "Wilde," Jonathan Pryce as Lytton Strachey in
"Carrington," Leonardo DiCaprio as Rimbaud in "Total Eclipse" and Javier
Bardem as Reinaldo Arenas in "Before Night Falls"), and that old chestnut,
the gay hustler/psychopath/drug-addict/serial killer ("The Silence of the
Lambs," "The Talented Mr. Ripley," "High Art," "My Own Private Idaho").

But short some Hollywood alchemy that reworks the very DNA of the
"Brokeback" script, the film can't possibly duck down any of these escape
routes. First published in the New Yorker in 1997, where it won both an O.
Henry short story prize and a National Magazine Award, and then in Proulx's
1999 story collection "Close Range," it's the tale of sheepherder Ennis Del
Mar and rodeo rider Jack Twist. The two men meet and fall in love as
19-year-olds in 1963, tending a herd on the titular Wyoming mountain. The
tale follows the men's clandestine relationship for 20 years: their
marriages to women, the birth of their children, regular mountaintop
assignations, the impossibility of their permanent union, and the gradual
acceptance of the grave repercussions of their love.

The story is, very simply, about its two main characters and their passion
for each other. There is no murder mystery, no one suffering from AIDS, no
drug addiction and no heterosexual romance to move the plot along and
distract from the homosexual relationship.

The rights to the story have bounced around Hollywood since its
publication. Schamus had them briefly when he was still at Good Machine.
Rudin later planned to make the movie with director Van Sant (at the height
of his mainstream popularity after the success of "Good Will Hunting"). It
wasn't long before it was rumored that that film's stars, Matt Damon and
Ben Affleck, would take on the roles of Ennis and Jack. But the project
couldn't quite get off the ground under Van Sant and was later offered to
Kimberly Peirce ("Boys Don't Cry") and Todd Haynes ("Poison," "Far From
Heaven"). It languished in no man's land for several years before Lee and
Schamus picked it up again in November 2003.

It will now be up to Lee and his actors to determine how raunchy or demure
the physical relationship between the two taciturn Westerners will get
on-screen. A draft of the script is noncommittal on this point, allowing
room for the prim and the explicit in its description of Jack and Ennis'
first sexual encounter: "AS THE FOLLOWING ACTION OCCURS, WE PULL AWAY TO
THE NIGHT LANDSCAPE, AND WE HEAR ONLY THE SOUNDS ... THE BELT BEING
UNBUCKLED, RUSTLE OF JEANS, ENNIS SPITTING, SHARP INTAKES OF BREATH ...
ENNIS raises up, gets to his knees, unbuckles his belt, shoves his pants
down with one hand, uses the other to haul JACK up on all fours ... JACK
doesn't resist ... ENNIS spits in the palm of his hand, puts it on himself.
They go at it in silence, except for a few sharp intakes of breath."

According to this early draft of the script, it is only after "ENNIS
shudders" that "THE CAMERA MOVES BACK INSIDE THE TENT, as both fall asleep."

Later, in one of the screenplay's most powerful moments, the two men --
each married and a father -- meet again after a separation of many years,
supposedly to share some platonic, ass-slapping drinks as straight men. But
when they meet on the very visible stairway to Ennis' apartment, they
"seize each other by the shoulders, hug mightily, squeezing the breath out
of each other, saying sonofabitch, sonofabitch. Then, as easily as the
right key turns the lock tumblers, their mouths come together."

It's the kind of sad-happy-hot scene that -- when well-cast -- can shoot
sexual currents off the screen, sparking the hearts and libidos of
receptive audiences. But those audiences are used to getting singed by
Bacall and Bogart, by Deborah Winger and Richard Gere, by Kate and Leo. Are
they ready for the unbridled lust of Gyllenhaal and Ledger?

"In the '60s and '70s and early '80s, various studios tried to see if
things like this might work," says Griffin. "They even tried a full-on
romance, 'Making Love,' in 1982, where there was an on-screen kiss. It was
about the relationship between these two men. And people ran screaming out
of the theaters. There was major fleeing up the aisles. And that's exactly
what's kept people worried. That's why you didn't see Antonio Banderas and
Tom Hanks kissing on-screen in 'Philadelphia.'"

But that's just the sort of fear that many hope is fading. Stephen Macias,
GLAAD's brand-spanking-new entertainment media
director, says, "GLAAD certainly hopes that as gay characters and gay
stories continue to evolve, films will focus on the sexiness, the romance
... that our sex lives won't be edited out anymore. From what I've been
hearing about this film, progress is being made."

Rudin points out that these days there are more outlets for films than
there were even five years ago. "When I had ['Brokeback Mountain'], it was
a very, very tough thing to get made. Basically, studios didn't want to
make it. There are many more avenues for smaller movies now. And I think
it's really smart for Focus to make it. Whatever it turns out to be it will
be a lightning rod for the press."

And the press loves nothing more than gay lightning rods. Perhaps you've
heard, as Griffin put it, that "gay is the new black." Sure, Will doesn't
have sex with men and seems strangely attracted to Grace. And yes, "Queer
Eye's" Fab Five intersect with Amos and Andy in several critical cultural
capacities. That gay reality show, "Boy Meets Boy," was, as one writer put
it, "a good natured gay-baiting miniseries." But some television has made real strides.
"Six Feet Under" features a relationship between two men, one of whom is a
retired cop. They kiss, embrace, fight, and go to bed and to couples'
therapy together.

Griffin argues that the recent embrace of all things gay isn't to be
laughed at. The more gay characters populate the pop-culture landscape, the
less pressure will be faced by their progeny. "No one film suddenly has to
be the holy grail," says Griffin.

According to another scholar, it's perfectly appropriate that "Brokeback
Mountain" may be the movie that shatters Hollywood's gay-sex taboo. Chris
Packard, an adjunct professor at New York University's Gallatin School and
the author of the forthcoming book "Queer Cowboys," says that this story
"makes plain what's implicit in the cowboy stereotype, in terms of an
alley-cat, roaming sexuality that is always alive. Cowboys are such central
figures in pop culture and such idealizations of mainstream macho
masculinity that we should start to include the homoerotic aspect of that
masculinity. They are like the fathers of the civilized culture that's
going to follow them into the wilderness."

- - - - - - - - - - - -

About the writer
Rebecca Traister is a staff writer for Salon Life.
Sound Off

You are....

Ragetti's dress fetish. Okay, so you like dressing
up. Frilly things are fun! There's no shame in
being who you are, and you DO look rather
fetching in that strawberry number. Oh yes, and
you encourage your friends to come along.
After all, no one likes to look ODD, do they?


Which Pirates of the Caribbean Character's Unhealthy Fetish are YOU?
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Hobbits and their food obsession. You love to cook
food and love putting it on people and licking
it off even more.


LOTR : What is your Middle-earth fetish?
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Well, I can't cook....but I'm always up for fetish...

The Afterlife, V1.0 by silentounce
Name
Favorite Color
Your fate	Take waiting no. 74837328742842 and step in line at the Pearly Gates
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

LOTR Boy Man-Slave by sullenrei
Name
Age
Favorite Color
Slave	Karl Urban
Slave Chore	Living Under Your Bed
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

Fun for me.

Lotrboy Dating Service by dreaminaway
Username
Favorite Number
Your Date	Viggo Mortensen
Date activity	Sailing
Future of relationship	Spent the night in jail.
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

OH, a night in jail you say? Wanna play Bubba and the prison bitch, Viggy? How 'bout you be the bitch this time........

It's kind of funny... no one told me that when you begin teaching yourself self-esteem you lose your patience and tolerance for rude, wretched people. Since I've been putting myself first lately, for the first time in my life, I just haven't had any use for people who don't respect me or don't listen when I speak. I find myself questioning whether or not people are worth my time instead of tying myself in knots trying to figure out how to make them like me. I've always liked to say that I don't care what people think of me, but it wasn't really true till recently. I've spent most of my life so worried what others are thinking of my clothes, my hair, my looks... but lately I only concern myself with whether or not I like what I see in the mirror, and my judgement criteria isn't nearly as detrimental as it used to be. I don't know why I bothered to worry what others thought- I was almost always worse on myself than anyone else...

It's an amazing thing to see how people are looking at me differently than they used to. When people begin to notice the changes in me some of them don't seem to know how to react. I've been so afraid, since I started this whole self-discovery trip, that those around me, those close to me, might not like the real me.... There are some who seem to think I've become a fucking bitch lately, but they just don't realise that's who I am. Not a bitch, really. I just seem like a bitch now bcoz I've taken everything off everyone for so damn long and I refuse to keep on doing it. Apparently people don't take kindly to doormats who don't feel like being stepped on anymore. Who knew?

Personally I'm enjoying being able to stand up straight without worrying I'm too tall... and god knows holding my head high is an exhilerating feeling. It feels good to not hide in the shadows. It feels good to think I have the right to be happy. It feels good to expect other people to respect me and treat me like a person.

When I meet a guy I actually consider and pay attention to how he's acting towards me, how he treats me rather than "oh, i hope he likes me." I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be supported. And I won't waste any more of my time with men who talk down to me, belittle my feelings, overlook me. I have to stop myself from falling down over some asshole sometimes still, but I can keep myself from doing it. I never even bothered to consider what I was doing to myself or putting myself thru before.

These days I put myself first instead of making myself miserable as long as everyone else is happy. I never knew how offensive it is for someone who's tall, curvy and loud to walk around like she's somebody. People talk about me all the time and I've started to realise most of them do it out of jealousy at my being able to be myself or comtempt because I'm not thin and beautiful and I still have confidence. What was I thinking? LOL

Ah... how I do love quizzes.... I am a vastly unhealthy creature on sooo many levels.... heheheheheheeheeee

You are Jack Sparrow, a pirate who used to be the
captain of the dreaded Black Pearl. You love to
drink and often times the people around you
don't know if you are drunk or crazy.


Which Pirates Of The Caribbean character are you?
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You are Roux. You are a river pirate, a trader, a
carpenter, and a lover. You and your kind are
misunderstood and often disrespected wherever
you go, and this has made you hard to the barbs
of injustice. You appreciate music and
craftsmanship and are always ready to cut a
deal. You drift from place to place, but
perhaps, if you find the right person, you may
settle down somewhere and stay.


What Johnny Depp Movie Character Are You?
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Who is your ideal matey from Pirates of the Caribbean?
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you are the cute but psycho happy bunny. You
adorable, but a little out there. It's alright,
you might not have it all, but there are worse


which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla



Not exactly surprising to anyone who knows me. Most people describe me as "the strangest person they've ever met."

I am the Rake A woman never quite feels desired and appreciated enough. She wants attention, but a man is too often distracted and unresponsive. The Rake is a great female fantasy-figure - when he desires a woman, brief though that moment may be, he will go to the ends of the earth for her. He may be disloyal, dishonest and amoral, but that only adds to his appeal. Stir a woman's repressed longings by adapting the Rake's mix of danger and pleasure. Symbol: Fire. The Rake burns with a desire that enflames the woman he is seducing. It is extreme, uncontrollable and dangerous. The Rake may end in hell, but the flames surrounding him often make him seem that much more desirable to women.

What Type of Seducer are You?
created by polite_society

Your ideal husband is Orlando Bloom! I hereby
label you
adventurous, fun-loving, not afraid of a challenge,
and a girl
who'll fall for the man of the moment


Which LOTR Actor Is Your Ideal Husband?
brought to you by Quizilla


I'm not especially surprised about this one.... actually very pleased..... I knew Orlando was puurrrrfect for me....!!!

Enough
~~ by maebh718

And so I hit the ground running;
Traces of your kiss on my lips.
And I'm making semblance of order where there is none;
I smell you around me still.
And I'm making appointments, balancing checkbooks, waiting for the cage door to finally open;
Your voice pours from the phone like warm caramel.

Overwhelmed by the past,
Oblivious to what's next,
And still.........
Flashes of moments together,
Strung like faerie lights through the day,
Are enough.

OOHhh! I love Uncle Kracker! Thank you sosososo much for remaking "Drift Away"! I remember that song from when I was like 14 and I used to go to the roller skating rink every Friday night.. religiously. They had this repetoire of the same songs that they played ever time and that was one of my favourites. I'm so glad they did a good remake of it coz now it'll be all over the radio again! Yeah!

SO I'm sittin here at me friend's puter tryin to decide if I will go out or stay home...... See, I haven't been going out for like the last 3 wks. since I realized that I seem to go out just to wait to see if someone is going to notice me or talk to me or dance with me and I thought "this is completely retarded! Why do this to myself?!?!" and so I haven't been going. I mean I was usually hanging out with my girls anyway and then I'd leave to go out to the bar and then sit there depressed coz I was all alone.... what the hell is the sense in that?!??!!?!? SO now if I'm having a perfectly good time I just stay where I am and go on about the business of having my time! And here I sit... I really was looking forward to going out but now that I'm here with my friends I dunno if I'm gonna leave at all..... not like I'm really missing anything anyway I s'pose... Hanging out at the bar's not much fun when ur friends don't show up and you're not there to get fucked up...

so you want to be a writer?
Charles Bukowski


if it doesn't come bursting out of you
in spite of everything,
don't do it.
unless it comes unasked out of your
heart and your mind and your mouth
and your gut,
don't do it.
if you have to sit for hours
staring at your computer screen
or hunched over your
typewriter
searching for words,
don't do it.
if you're doing it for money or
fame,
don't do it.
if you're doing it because you want
women in your bed,
don't do it.
if you have to sit there and
rewrite it again and again,
don't do it.
if it's hard work just thinking about doing it,
don't do it.
if you're trying to write like somebody
else,
forget about it.


if you have to wait for it to roar out of
you,
then wait patiently.
if it never does roar out of you,
do something else.

if you first have to read it to your wife
or your girlfriend or your boyfriend
or your parents or to anybody at all,
you're not ready.

don't be like so many writers,
don't be like so many thousands of
people who call themselves writers,
don't be dull and boring and
pretentious, don't be consumed with self-
love.
the libraries of the world have
yawned themselves to
sleep
over your kind.
don't add to that.
don't do it.
unless it comes out of
your soul like a rocket,
unless being still would
drive you to madness or
suicide or murder,
don't do it.
unless the sun inside you is
burning your gut,
don't do it.

when it is truly time,
and if you have been chosen,
it will do it by
itself and it will keep on doing it
until you die or it dies in you.

there is no other way.

and there never was.

Goddess, I swear! Today was the lousiest day I've had in a while at work. None of my farking machines wanted to work and half the customers were grumpy, plus they sent me on break early and I missed some of my favourite "regulars".

Cute Flirt


What Kind of FLIRT are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


I'm not really that surprised... I'm a button!

Tinkerbell


Who 's Your Inner Sexy Cartoon Chick ?
brought to you by Quizilla

Okay, if you don't already know you probably haven't been paying very close attention, but I have a massive obsession with Orlando Bloom. I'm on a yahoogroup about him (actually, I'm on a couple) and I found this site on "Becoming Orlando Bloom" and it's the fucking funniest thing I've seen in days!

Fuckable:

1. Orlando Bloom
2. Tobey Maguire
3. Elijah Wood
4. Robert Redford
5. Alan Cumming
6. Matthew McConaughey
7. Heath Ledger
8. Justin Timberlake
9. Angelina Jolie
10. John Cusack
11. Nicole Kidman
12. Julia Stiles
13. Winona Ryder
14. Johnny Depp
15. Freddie Prinze Jr.
16. Josh Hartnett
17. Viggo Mortensen
18. Tom Welling
19. Michael Rosenbaum
20. Fairuza Balk
21. James Van Der Beek
22. Benjamin Bratt23. Julia Roberts
24. Sandra Bullock
25. Harry Connick Jr.
26. Seth Green
27. Vin Diesel
28. Paul Walker
29. Ja Rule
30. Hugh Jackman
31. Ashley Judd
32. Ewan McGregor
33. Christian Bale
34. Edward Norton
35. Edward Furlong
36. Stewart Townsend
37. Keanu Reeves
38. Colin Farrell
39. Scott Caan
40. Gabriel Macht
41. Owen Wilson
42. Luke Wilson
43. Shanynn Sossamon
44. Jennifer Lopez
45. Uma Thurman
46. Mekhi Pfifer
47. Cameron Diaz
48. Christian Slater
49. Cristina Ricci
50. Paul Bettany
51. James Purefoy
52. Alan Tudyk
53. Kevin Spacey

"My Husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the
other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.
Maybe he will buy me a diamond next time".




"Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle,
and the life of the candle will not be shortened.
Happiness never decreases by being shared."

- Buddha

I have always been fascinated by optical illusions. But I hate those damn pictures where you're supposed to stare at the fucking thing and cross your eyes a certain way to make the picture underneath appear. I think in 24 years, I've maybe seen one.

You have to wonder sometimes at whether or not really stupid people have any clue that they're that stupid.....


SHEBONICS

QUOTE OF THE MONTH
"Do you acknowledge who you are even if people don't like you for it? Even if people say, 'That's so lame'? Should I pretend to be cool so that you will approve of me? After I had my kid, the revelation I had was, life is incredibly short. I like who I am. And I'm just gonna like what I like and go for what I want to go for. It's simple. " Liz Phair in Entertainment Weekly

I love finding beautifull new artists. They're best when you can almost feel the beauty of their spirit pouring out thru the page (or screen).


Female Advice

If you want someone who will bring you the paper
without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section
buy a dog.

If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself
simply over the joy of seeing you
buy a dog.

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front
of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it
buy a dog.

If you want someone always willing to go out,
at any hour, for as long and wherever you want
buy a dog.

If you want someone to scare away burglars,
without a lethal weapon which terrifies you and endangers
the lives of your family and all the neighbors
buy a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote,
doesn't give a damn about football, and can sit next to you
and watch a romantic movie
buy a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed
just to warm your feet and whom you can
push off if he snores
buy a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do,
doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old,
with tits or without, who acts as if every word you say
is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally,
perpetually
buy a dog.

But on the other hand If you want someone who will never come when you
call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the
place, walks all over you, runs around all night, only comes home to eat and sleep,
and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness,

Then my friend

Buy a cat.
(Any resemblance to a man is purely coincidental)

Are you a match for my beloved Orli?

I got:
physical 99%
emotional 43%
intellectual 72%

total 72%


But what do they know- he'd love me of course!

I have discovered a new community- the quirkyalone. I feel at one with my kin. Come and join us.

How quirkyalone are you?
Your score was 92. Very quirkyalone:
Relatives may give you quizzical looks, and so may friends, but you know in your heart of hearts that you are following your inner voice. Though you may not be romancing a single person, you are romancing the world. Celebrate your freedom on National Quirkyalone Day, February 14th!

OMG! I saw Bruce Almighty last night in South Bend. It was GREAT! I was expecting it to be really good, coz it's Jim Carrey, duh!, but it was so much better than I thought! Not only was it hilarious (I was falling off the seat at some parts) but it was also very make-u-think sorta thing. Really revelational and immediate. Definitely something you should see if you get the chance. I'd even say you should make the chance to see this one!

Why do we so easily adopt all the ideas, rules and conformities that society lays out for us? Why can't we be allowed to decide our own path? Why must we be inbred with all these expectations: get married, make babies, go to church.....

I'm trying to update my livejournal but the stupid 'puta is being a real bitch.

Playful Orlando


What Orlando Bloom are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Will you dance with me?
Will you take my hand?
Will you follow me
On my flights of fancy?
Do you dare to tread
Where my mind wanders?
Can you let go?
Can you drown in the
Abandon?
Are you afraid to be free?
Alone in the dark?

Tabitha )O(
3/25/2003

I hold your hand
As the first morning beams
Are tipping the
Edges of my white
Curtains
I lay my hands
On your chest
On your face
Your stomach
Tangle my fingers in your hair
I caress you with
My eyes
My heart
My embrace
Surrounding every inch
Of your skin
I attempt to free myself
From your grip
Find you stretched
And twisted
Wound thru the tendrils
Of my mind
And I am comforted

Tabitha )O(
3/21/2003

BOUND

I will not drown
I will not die
Tho you break my heart
Still I survive

Just this one time
This one moment
This one embrace

I am stronger than the pain

I’ve played this game before
I’ve told myself these lies
I’ve fought this fight
So many times
I’ve silences these thoughts
Again and again
I’ve been here before
Don’t wanna do this anymore

Tired of taking chances
Tired of these dances
And midnight romances

I caress your face
Run my fingers thru your hair
But I’m lost in my own madness
You were never really there

I can’t reach you
Can’t touch you
These affections are empty

This man I love
Does not exist
You are not mine to have
Not mine to love

Bound to another
You slip away
You fall away
Leave me standing
Lost in my pain
Tears across my face
My vision getting hazy

Here is my heart
Crushed in your hand
Dust in your palm

Tabitha )O(



MY HEART MY DREAMS

My nerves are raw
My pain is real
I try to open my heart
But it refuses to feel
It’s broken
And beaten
Shattered
In pieces
Torn at the seams
Left just like my dreams
Abandoned
Belittled
And stepped on

Tabitha )O(


How do I stop this?
How do I end it?
I’ve left my soul open
Now how do I mend it?
Self-abuse seems to be my style
I choose men…
Women….
Lovers…
Who hurt me
Who don’t want me
Who discard me
Abuse me
And move on

I make love
Where none exists
I blur the lines
And blind my vision
Till it’s much too late

I love too easy
I give too much
I pray for a lover
I burn for your touch
Longing to be wanted
Begging for salvation
From this vast loneliness
Emptiness
I am consumes

I see you in my sleep
Feel you beside me in the dark
My mind wastes away
Lost in my fantasies
Plagued by reality
Conflict
And rage
My emotions are churning
My fires are burning

Tabitha )O(
3/11/2003

You walk
And you wait
And you listen
You believe
And they lie
They lie
Always they lie

Tell your stories
To the wind
To your journals
To the moon
Sing
And dance
And laugh
Cry
Cry your tears
Pouring out
Your pain
Upon the paper

Do you imagine
Someone new
That you are
Someone else
Someone important
Special
Beautifull
Dark
Mysterious

Do you love?
Do you
Believe
In love
After all this
All this pain
All the sadness
Nightmares
The abandoning

Do you
leave
your heart open
willing
to risk
that pain
you know so well
for another chance
another love

some sweet
sappy
strong
deep
emotion

Tabitha )O(
2/20/2003

POSTSCRIPT
And some time make the time to drive out west
Into County Clare, along the Flaggy Shore,
In September or October, when the wind
And the light are working off each other
So that the ocean on one side is wild
With foam and glitter, and inland among stones
The surface of slate-grey lake is lit
By the earthed lightning of a flock of swans,
Their feather roughed and ruffling, whit on white,
Their fully grown headstrong-looking heads
Tucked or cresting or busy underwater.
Useless to think you’ll park and capture it
More thoroughly. You are neither here nor there,
A hurry through which known and strange things pass
As big soft buffetings come at the car sideways
And catch the heart off guard and blow it open.
-Seamus Heaney

Why do I care?
What does it matter?
You are you
I am I
In the scheme
Of things
In the
Span
Of your lifetime
You
Won’t
Remember me
You only love me
When I make
You
Laugh
I’m only worth it
When
I’m funny
Silly
Amusing
Who was hurt
Who missed who
Who stopped
Talking
Whise hear
Was stepped on
Left in the cold
Abandoned
Retreated
Into myself
Hoping
Praying
Begging
For sanctuary
Comfort
Finding none
Outside
Inside
Do you really
Know me?
Or do you
Know
Who you think
I am
Do you see me
With your eyes?
With your soul?
Do we match?
Do we fit?
I am only a
Child to you
Temperamental
Tolerated
Toyed with
You are so
Much
More important
Your life
Your problems
Your issues
So much more
Meaningful
Than mine
Why?
Because you’re
Older
Smarter
More responsible
Because you have not
Made my mistakes
You remain
In your comfort
Zone
Always stuck
Picking up
The pieces
From my most
Recent fuck up
I am there
For you
I offer you
My hand
My shoulder
My soul
Offer myself up
To you
My love
My friendship
But you
You grow colder
More distant
Your grudges grow
Your bitterness
Festers
You grow old
Before your time
You treat me
As if
I simply
Bore you
You don’t even
Care
If you
Hurt me
If I bleed
If I cry
My loneliness
My depression
Run amuck
Destroying
Messing
Confounding
Why?
Why? I ask again

Tabitha )O( 1/18/2003

I think of you
As my day begins.
You’re the last thought
On my mind
As the evening ends.
Lay my head down to sleep
End up dreaming
Of you
I will
Wait for you,
If you want
Me to.
But a girl
Needs to know-
That I’m not
Wasting my time,
Towing the line,
Only to
Wind up
Alonr in the end.
Do I amuse you?
Do I make you laugh?
Relieve the pressure
Of your
Long days and nights?
Will you still
Want me
When you really
Know me-
Weird,
Eccentric,
Emotional,
Insecure.
I drown in my
Loneliness-
My
Thought process.
My heart
Beats faster
At the thought
Of your name.
I cannot keep
This smile
From my face,
Or this blush
From my cheeks.
I talk about you
So much
My friends
Hate you already…
But you…
Do you think
Of me?
Do you wonder if
I’m thinking
Of you?
Do I make you
Smile?
Do you miss
Me
When
I’m not there?
Do you miss
Our
Stolen moments
Alone
In my car
Fighting over the radio?

I compose my poetry.
I speak my mind,
but only to myself.
I write you letters
I can never send.
I dream of you...
lying next to me...
I wake up
I roll over
to see your face-
watch you sleeping.
I am lost
for days
in those eyes
(The colour of chocolate
swirling
in my head).
I recall your face-
your grin
(your evil grin)-
to caress your cheeks,
the way
I cannot
in rality.
I think of you-
every minute,
every day...
In every song
on the radio....
In every movie
every romance...
every love affair.
But I cannot
feel like this.
I move too fast-
feel too much.
my emotions,
bursting forth...
my hopeless,
helpless
heart
goes
leaping,
bounding,
bouncing
forth
into the unknown-
unfettered,
unafraid,
while my head
(logical,
angry,
embittered,
and holding
its lonely little grudge)
screams
and wails:
"wait!
you fool!
stop!
you idiot!
Don't you know
what
will happen?
You will cry.
You will yearn.
You will break
again...
again...
again..."
"Ah, but love
is bliss!"
I call over
my shoulder,
as I race on ahead.

Tabitha )O(

SONNET #2 (LADY IN WAITING)
This remains between your ear and my lip, but
Wouldn't it just thrill if her were the right one?
Of all the horses that have let me slip
Wouldn't it fulfill if his were the white one?
Those knights who broke their unbreakable grip
Leave me to doubt, but he leads me to hope
When soft and soothing sentiments do drip
And draw me in and allow me to cope
And what allows him such power o'er me?
To command my every fantasy
And leave me living in the what-could-be
Just what has all this waiting done to me?
For I remain in need of distraction
A lady in waiting for his reaction.
-Michela Carattini, 22, New York City

THE FIST

The fist clenched round my heart
loosens a little, and I gasp
brightness, but it tightens
again. When have I ever not loved
the pain of love? But this has moved

past love to mania. This has the strong
clench of the madman, this is
gripping the ledge of unreason, before
plunging howling into the abyss.

Hold hard then, heart. This way at least you live.
-Derek Walcott
From "COllected Poems 1948-1984" by Derek Walcott

What is moodling? (Brenda Ueland) "long, inefficient, happy, idling, dawdling, and puttering" that induces revealing and rewarding reveries.

"Undoubtedly, we become what we envisage." Claude M. Bristol

Whatever we convince ourselves is true, is true. If we say something again and again we begin to ingrain it in our heads and we manifest it in our lives.

YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFULL.
YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFULL.
YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFULL.
YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFULL.
YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFULL.
YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFULL.
YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFULL.
YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFULL.

Honouring Self

Find a sacred space where you are able to hold yourself more gently.

Let the healing silence enfold you.

As you breathe in and out release the heaviness that burdens your soul, let go of the should's and ought to's that have held you down.

In this magic moment let the silence become your friend, let the quiet rush of love hold your healing heart, soothing the bumps and bruises you have collected this day and other days like this.

In this sacred space,
honour your body, it has carried you thru this day;
honour your spirit, it has remained unbroken in times of great pain;
honour your laughter, it has helped you thru many tough moments;
honour your tears, they are cleansing for your spirit;
honour your sadness, it has many lessons to share;
honour your mistakes, learn from them;
honour your resilience, you have survived much;
honour your healing, allow it time.

We have dishonoured ourselves too often, in this space only allow healing, wholeness and silence to enter. Begin and end each day with honour towards your spirit, yourself.

by Compassion (on SARK MMB)

Keep a list of words you love to spark creative ideas!

In light of all the clone controvery, here is something new to think
about:
If you pushed your naked clone off a roof would it be
murder, suicide or an obscene clone fall?

The Dead Rabbit



A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.



He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The
driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become
of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.



The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.



A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and
pulls over.



She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong? "I feel terrible, "he explains, "I
accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."



The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.



She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.



The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.



Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10
feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves and repeats this again and again and
again, until he hops off out of sight.



The man is astonished.



He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"



The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.



It says..... (Are you ready for this?)



Are you sure?



This is bad!



You know you could just click off and not read the punch line.



You know you're gonna be sorry.



Last chance.



OK, here it is.!







It says, Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave.

WagePeace
Judyth Hill | 02.28.2003
Wage peace with your breath.
Breathe in firemen and rubble,
breathe out whole buildings
and flocks of redwing blackbirds.
Breathe in terrorists and breathe out sleeping children
and freshly mown fields.
Breathe in confusion and breathe out maple trees.
Breathe in the fallen
and breathe out lifelong friendships intact.
Wage peace with your listening:
hearing sirens, pray loud.
Remember your tools:
flower seeds, clothes pins, clean rivers.
Make soup.
Play music, learn the word for thank you in three languages.
Learn to knit, and make a hat.
Think of chaos as dancing raspberries,
imagine grief as the outbreath of beauty
or the gesture of fish.
Swim for the other side.
Wage peace.
Never has the world seemed so fresh and precious.
have a cup of tea and rejoice.
Act as if armistice has already arrived.
Don't wait another minute.
—Judyth Hill

Quote of the day:
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail........but, a true
friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun."